Your high school organized many an assembly and screened ever more videos warning about the dangers of drunk driving, but even after being assigned a parole officer, this dude still doesn't get it. While the rest of you are returning to the bar to see what everyone else is up to, this guy lives here, sometimes sleeping in a cot the bartender sets up in the back out of pity. And the bartender is a functioning alcoholic.

No matter how many keg stands the college boys have been through, nobody can touch this dude, who puts away a fifth in order to eat breakfast. He doesn't need ID to drink here, everyone knows his name. And the name of every woman who's ever left him. And the names of his illegitimate children. If he can't pay his bill, he gets to mop up when the neon goes out.

Oh, hey bro, can you give him a ride home? His bike has a flat.