7. DON’T Eat Anything

There are a lot of things you're told not to do while eating by the various and sundry manners guides available in the Barnes & Noble self-help section: don’t chew with your mouth open, don’t ask for any spices until you’ve sampled the food, don’t put your dick in any food until it has been in the fridge for at least two days. Blah. Blah. Blah. No one wants to sit around and memorize all that. Avoid this by refusing to eat anything during your stay. This will also make you look like less of a pussy, as it won’t expose any of your “food allergies.”

Pro Tip: After several days of fasting, you may start to have dope-ass visions and hallucinations. Write down what you see, and use it to springboard conversation on subsequent evenings with her family, between rounds of Boggle or Scattegories. 

Photo: Karen Carpenter, Paris, 1971, Shepard Sherbel