1. DON’T Write a Thank-You Note

Keeping your visit the opposite of bitch-made means no notes. Ever. Emily Post and other antiquated manners gurus demand that you write a thank-you note, but consider this: you'll have to worry about what stationary to use, whether to use a fountain or ball point pen, whether to write in print or cursive, and all sorts of other needling issues. Why not avoid all of this and simply not write a thank-you note at all? If you feel the need to send something over, take a page out of the book of several noted politicians and athletes and simply send her family a picture of your dick. Again, this will earn you respect and fear.

Pro Tip: Don’t thank the parents when you leave. What did they do that was so great? They should be the ones thanking you for executing on all these tips … and the wang pic they will soon find in their mailbox.

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That’s all we have for you lovelorn bastards. If you have any more questions, don’t bother asking us—we at the City Guide each have an average of 6.27 sets of girlfriends’ parents to see during this busy holiday season. Keep it g.