PRESENT TENSE

December means you're gonna have to give her something besides the best two minutes of her life. Just make sure you know what your gift says.

JEWELRY...

Necklace: "I've developed some unexpected feelings for you."
Choker: "I've developed some unexpected feelings for you, but don't tell anyone."
Leather choker: "I got you a saddle, too. Giddy-up!"

MEDIA...

Book: "I know you like to read and stuff, so keep this around in case I get on Xbox Live."
Gift certificate less than $100: "I don't know you that well, but you seem cool."
Gift certificate more than $300: "I still don't know you well, but I want some skullduggery. On film."

ATTIRE...

Lingerie in her size: "Put this on...and go get the butter."
Lingerie a size too small: "You're a nine, but you could stand to WiiPlay off some of those brownies."
Lingerie two sizes too small: "Get out, fatty. How did you not realize how passive-aggressive I am?"