MERCURY FALLING

Keep an eye on the temperature, lest you get stuck out in the cold. And what's colder than blue balls?

70 DEGREES: It's called "Indian Summer" because wind chills are waiting to throw a smallpox-infested blanket on your libido.

60 DEGREES: When's the last time you saw a sundress? Those joints are deeper in the closet than Lance Bass two years ago.

50 DEGREES: Trifey alert! Any girl showing skin when it's this cold is doing it to freeze off her genital warts.

40 DEGREES: It's now officially cold enough to call your dills Yung Berg.

30 DEGREES: Winter hats abound, which means your hopes for getting head are circulating the drain.

20 DEGREES: With all those ankle-length down jackets, you don't know if you're talking to a dime or a buck eighty-five.

10 DEGREES: You're all alone, and it's so cold that you skeet coconut Slush Puppie. Don't worry, it's always summer in Second Life.