This was a tough one. Do the clothes make the douche? Are political views and wacky conspiracy theories enough to put one celeb over the top? Or is it simply a matter of the dreadful movies that said actor puts out that makes one douchier than the other? We took every one of these categories into careful consideration and came up with who we think is the douchier of the two, and perhaps the douchiest guy in Hollywood.

And that man is Ashton Kutcher.

Hear us out. Charlie Sheen may be a danger to himself, his kids, his lovers, and, well, the world in general, but not even the world's most infamous tiger-blood drinking coke-fiend can overcome Kutcher’s trucker-hat-wearing douchiness. We may have given Sheen the nod if he wasn’t so damn entertaining.

With Kutcher, we really don’t care what he does, as long as he isn’t on TV shows that we like or movies that we want to see. He’s a bland Hollywood pretty boy with the beard of a high school sophomore. Honestly, if he wasn’t so nauseatingly handsome, he wouldn’t be more popular than Pauly Shore. There, we said it. Congratulations, Ash!