Let’s face it: The Chinese are taking over. They're smarter, more disciplined, and their Gerenal Tso's chicken is simply mind boggling. The takeover might not be this year, or the year after that, but it’s happening soon. The best we can hope for is that when they do take over, they make it quick and painless. In the meantime, it’s probably best for President Obama to learn Chinese, so he can get in their good graces and put a good word in for the rest of us.

Why is this happening to us? Think about it for a second. Every 25-year-old college student in America quotes The Bachelorette or The Hangover while drinking PBR in their dorm and skipping class; meanwhile, every college student in China can quote Einstein and Marie Curie on their graduation day at 14-years-old. The Chinese have been getting us soft and slow off of their food for generations now and they're primed to make their move. Fortunately for us, Obama is smooth with his words. Provided he knows which ones to say.