Did you know there was a special episode of Jersey Shore on last night? No? Well, you didn't really miss much, other than the resolution to Ron and Mike's fight. The rest of the episode was filled mostly with the annoying, neverending saga of Ron and Sam, the cockroach of plotlines that just won't die. In case you missed out on any of the fun, here's our recap.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Ron and Mike's Fight Was Pretty Anticlimactic
The promos were misleading—we shouldn't be that surprised, but we kind of are—Ronnie did not, we repeat, did not put The Situation in the hospital. The Situation put himself in the hospital.
OK, so, last week we saw Ron get pretty pissed off at Sitch for talking behind his back to Sammi and the rest of the housemates. It wasn't even something that was that big of a deal, but Ron was drunk and already raging because he'd just had a fight with Sam (big surprise), so he took offense quickly. After some yelling, Mike started crazily jumping around and tossing his own bedframe across the room for no apparent reason—he explains later that this was meant to be a tactic to scare Ronnie off, because who wants to fight with the crazy dude? Anyway, Sitch is doing his thing and he purposefully smacks himself, head-first, against the wall, not knowing that it was made of cement and not wood and plaster or something. He falls to the floor, holding his head and looking pretty disoriented for a moment, before getting up and provoking Ron to charge at him, initiating the actual fight.
It only escalates a little before MTV's hired muscle breaks it up, restraining the pair while Ron yells, "I've been waiting, bro. I've been waiting a long time to f**k you up." Creepy! Joking. (Kind of.) Ron does later apologize for his actions when he's sobered up, and he seems genuinely remorseful.
In the end, what actually sent Sitch to the hospital was the blow he sustained intentionally to his head—Snooki calls an ambulance, afraid Mike has a concussion, and he's diagnosed with just that later at the hospital. They give him a neckbrace too, because apparently he also sustained whiplash, and of course Mike does not hesistate to wear it for the rest of the episode and play the whole victim role to the fullest degree possible. He even cries, citing that he feels lonely. No one's around when he does, of course...well, except the cameras....
We Don't Even Know With Sam and Ron Anymore
Ron and Sam, quite frankly, made us dizzy this week. First they're broken up. Then they're fighting about breaking up. Then Ron is buying Sam flowers. Then they're fighting about the fact that he bought her flowers. It's the most vicious circle we've ever seen, and we have the feeling it's nowhere near over.
Remember when Sam promised Ron that she's "not the girl from Jersey," and that she's a "completely changed person"? Remember when Ron proceeded to flat-out ask her, "So, no more bullshit, no more, like, f**king nonsense?" Remember when she promised him that she'd never hurt him and told him not to worry?
We believed you, guys! The trust is broken now. No more. Sam and Ron are toxic, and that's that.
Thankfully, Ron has realized this too, which is why, the morning after his fight with Mike, he talks to Sam and more or less breaks up with her. It's hardly amicable, though, as the discussion quickly turns to the fact that Ron has been calling a girl even though he's been with Sam—something that we've seen on camera in the past few episodes. Sam obviously doesn't take this too well and she regresses into her "I'm done!" state, calling him a scumbag a few times and ultimately declaring that she never wants to see him again. (*Stifles laughter* OK, Sam.)
Ron spends the next day alone reflecting on his actions, while Sam proceeds to separate all of the things he's ever bought for her (and she for him). She places them all in a pile on his bed while he's gone, telling the camera later that she thought it the "mature" thing to do, which makes us wonder if she even knows what the word "mature" means. When Ron return home, he promptly (and wordlessly) picks up all the items and throws them in the garbage, while Snooki stands nearby asking him repeatedly what he's doing. Eventually Sam walks by and notices what he's doing, much to her disdain. She quicky begins to retrieve the items while sighing heavily, clearly thinking "This is why we can't have nice things!" while she plucks a pair of diamond earrings out of the garbage.
That night, Ron goes out clubbing with the guys (sans Sitch, who's staying home with his neckbrace) while Sam goes out to dinner with the girls. They separately have good times, though Ron ends the night with the epiphany that he doesn't want to take home some girl he's been flirting with the whole time, because Sam always expects the worst out of him. Instead, Ron buys her a dozen roses and returns to the house alone.
Somehow, this ends in another fight, because Sam is confused and Ron is drunk and 10 euros poorer.
We don't even care anymore. There's no point.
It's Possible That Sitch May Have Hit His Head Harder Than We All Thought
...because he's still got it in his head that he and Snooks are written in the freakin' stars or something.
When he returns from the hospital, almost every roommate is concerned about his well-being—even Ronnie, who was just trying to smash his face in a day earlier—but it seems no one is more than Snooki. She pulls Mike aside to talk about how she was worried about him, sure to mention that she's still mad at him for what he said about her and him hooking up, and that he's "f**ked up" but she loves him as a friend. Sitch seems to get it, and gives her a friendly kiss on both cheeks before she jokes that he should try to go to the club with his neckbrace because girls'll totally be all over him.
Apparently, he didn't really though, because the scene cuts to him talking to the camera saying, "at the end of the day, we realized that we love each other. So, I don't think Nicole and Jionni are meant for each other." Which is not at all what Snooks meant.
Vinny and Pauly D Need More To Do
Seriously, we're not even sure they had more like 10 minutes of screentime in this episode, collectively. Just like they didn't last week and the week before and the week before that. We'd like to think that maybe they're off having their own adventures completely off-screen, saving the world and baking pies and holding contests to see who can get the most tan in the least amount of time or something.
Hey, we'd watch that show. Come on, MTV!
Best Quotes of the Episode
"Ronnie punched Mike, it didn't do anything. Mike knocked himself out. I think Mike tried to commit suicide by ramming his head against the wall 'cause he was sick of dealing with the Ron and Sam bullshit." —Pauly D, after Mike and Ron's fight
"The first thing that comes to mind when I think about Ron and Sam is me throwing up, because I can't stand it anymore." —Pauly D has a lot of feelings when it comes to Ron and Sam
"I try to be the peacemaker in this house...." —The Situation. Uh-huh.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)