7. No Smokes to Bum

Though everyone will be smoking in shifts, either outside the bar, near the bikes, or on the back patio, if you think you’ll be able to bum a square, you’re wrong. Bumming a smoke should be an easy process. You put on an apologetic face, swallow that little sip of pride, and ask for a smoke. This is how it should work.

At a hipster bar, expect to wait while the dude with the fidgety mustache moistens his lips and rolls you a smoke. The grease from under his fingernails will move to the rolling papers and you’ll listen to him and his friends talk about Lars Von Trier, Catholicism, and Muppets. How are these things connected? Why does his tobacco look like that? Does he have to use that much saliva? Why didn’t you just run to the bodega? There will be time enough to answer all of these things while you wait for your cigarette to be prepared. If you can get one of these fey creatures to expend the time and energy, that is.