Hey, remember when I smacked my girl with a pair of nunchakus?  No, no, wait—see, there was a good reason why. 

Back in 1991, when Marion was kidnapped and possessed by the evil spirit of an Egyptian queen, I went to Egypt to bring her home but then she turned into a fire snake and then she threw a flaming bird at me. So I got out my pair of ’chucks and sort of hit her, but not that hard! She was asking for it.  

Anyways, I guess she’s still mad and hasn’t posted my bail and it’s been like 20 years so I haven’t seen her but I heard she’s OK now, and works at the DMV.  So tell her I said "my bad" if you see her next time you have to renew your license or something.

Thanks bro. 

Sincerely,
Billy”