7. BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT (2009)
Starring: 50 Cent, Treach, and Lloyd Banks
Why it sucks: Back in 1993, Robert De Niro both directed and starred in A Bronx Tale, a coming-of-age drama set against a gangster’s backdrop. Two years ago, Curtis Jackson tried to pull a Bobby D with Before I Self Destruct, making his directorial debut for a rags-to-riches Queens tale. Take a guess which one’s a classic and which plays like a film school project overseen by Uwe Boll.
The script, also written by 50, jacks a variety of sources. The G-Unit leader stars as a talented basketball player living in the hood (Above The Rim) whose mother is shot to death inside a bodega (Four Brothers), meaning he has to become a hitman in order to send his college-bound, 13-year-old brother (Doogie Howser, M.D.?) to an Ivy League school.
Oh, and he earns his paychecks by gunning down people in the middle of the day and in public places overpopulated with bystanders, and, naturally, the cops never show up. The Bad Movie Police, however, meet their quota within this bomb’s first five minutes.