By Jaeki Cho (@JaekiCho)
Hamburgers, like any other specialty meals, are reshaped depending on their environments. So it’s no surprise the Colombians adopted this dish, and added their carb-heavy dietary supplements in the mix. Xtasis, a pink-neon-themed fast-food eatery in Jackson Heights, Queens, offers an insurmountable selection of perros (hot dogs), chuzos (shish-kebab), sandwiches, and arepas (corn cakes). Out of all the enticing choices on their menu, though, nothing is more terrific than the Super Xtasis Hamburger.
Imagine a mishmash of bacon, ham, grilled onion, cheese, lettuce, tomato, crushed potato chips, and sweet plantain (I add it as an extra), layered with ketchup, garlic sauce, pineapple sauce, mayonnaise, and mustard served between two hefty buns, and you get the picture. As an addition, have the meal with a cholado (Colombian beverage with crushed ice, fruit, and condensed milk) on a summer evening when local girls with well-endowed assets make their way to the spot. Now you’re truly enjoying a burger for champions with complimentary options. The meal might cost you extra mileage on the treadmill, but the momentary pleasure is difficult to beat.
Super Xtasis Hamburger: The Pickin' Burgers Index
Price: 4 ($6.50).
Convenience: 1 (You might find similar variations at other Colombian fast food places, but we can’t say they’ll be the same.)
Taste: 8.5 (Although gourmet chefs using whole foods don’t prepare this, it’s difficult to knock such clusterfucking of flavors harmoniously formed by a wide-range of condiments and toppings. The taste runs a fine line between sweet and salty, with enough kick in each bite to make me want to return hungrier next time.)
Total: 13.5 (out of 20).
The Pickin' Burgers Index explained:
Taste is ranked on a 10-point scale, and is entirely subjective, entirely at each individual reviewer's discretion.
Price and Convenience are objective measurements on a 5-point scale. For Price, a "5" is given to burgers costing less than $2.50, a "4" to burgers costing $2.50 to $10, with a point drop for each subsequent $5 price increase (a "3" for $10-$15, a "2" for $15-$20, etc., to a "1" for $20+).
For Convenience, a "5" is awarded to burgers served at over 1000 locations, a "4" to burgers served at 100-1000 locations in more than 30 states, a "3" to burgers served at 10-100 locations in more than one state, a "2" to burgers served at more than one location in a city or region, and a "1" to burgers served at one location.