9. EVERY BEAR CHARACTER IN THE COUNTRY BEARS (2002)
Didn’t 1985’s “The Super Bowl Shuffle” teach us anything? Besides showing sports fans that Jim McMahon has zero rhythm, the Chicago Bears’ atrocious rap jam showed that bears should never sing, dance, or play instruments—just look intimidating and rule the field, or woods.
However, McMahon, Walter Payton, and their teammates look like Wu-Tang when compared to the hairy performers in The Country Bears. Not only do their songs reek of cheese, the furry Partridge Family wannabes are as funny as a funeral procession and so obviously walking billboards for the Disney theme parks from which they derived.
The worst thing about the Country Bears, though, is the negative effect they have on performers who usually don’t piss us off: Christopher Walken, on a shameless payday, actually performs a musical number in front of the bears by making fart sounds with his armpits. It’s uncomfortably weird, which normally works for Mr. Walken. Screw you, bears.