When we were kids, every video store had a copy of Brigitte Nielsen's Conan spinoff in the science fiction/fantasy section. The box was always sun-faded and dusty, and no one wanted to rent it. We were afraid. Not of the bad acting—and yes, there was plenty—but that it would launch us into puberty prematurely with its scantily clad lady warrior. One day, we finally dared to watch Red Sonja, and that is the story of how we got chest hair.