Ah, New Year's Eve is almost here. That means it's time for one of our most pointless customs, the making of a New Year's Resolution list. We organize our goals and wishes for the year into a list, and then, six months later, we yell out a curse when we see that nothing has been checked off. Such bullshit. Don't feel too bad, though, you aren't the only one who does it. Your favorite celebrities do it too. Or at least we imagine they do. Check out the celebrity New Year's Resolutions we'd like to see for 2011...
JUSTIN BIEBER RESOLVES TO:
-Kick off rap career by releasing a mixtape dissing Drake.
-Endorse Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.
-Continue to ignore Marques Houston and Chris Stokes's texts.
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MARK ZUCKERBERG RESOLVES TO:
-Follow Google's lead: Start using "Facebook" as a verb in everyday sentences. ("I want to Facebook her...with my penis.")
-Facebook more hot chicks.
-Steal the idea for Twitter.
-Use Facebook money to build a time machine and steal the idea of the Internet from Al Gore.
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BARACK OBAMA RESOLVES TO:
-Record skit on new Gucci Mane album so white people will think I'm cool again.
-Burrr.
-Skype with Kim Jong-un. Ask him why he's being such a dick for?
-TP Sean Hannity's crib.
-Get Steven Spielberg to buy the rights to my life story before Tyler fucking Perry gets any ideas.
-Update resumé.
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MIKE "THE SITUATION" SORRENTINO RESOLVES TO:
-Record first single for my first album: "Grenade."
-Look for Bruno Mars; it's a situation.
-Develop new show about me designing my new crib. Title: The Situation Room.
-Look for Wolf Blitzer; it's a situation.
-Finally finish that second draft of my autobiographical script for Mark Wahlberg before it's a situation.
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MILEY CYRUS RESOLVES TO:
-Record footage for VH1 Behind the Music episode to air sometime in 2018.
-Call Lindsay, get names of rehab centers that totally let you do drugs in your room.
-Block Mack Mane's number.
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SARAH PALIN RESOLVES TO:
-Announce 2012 candidacy for President of the United States.
-Find out exactly what a President does.
-Pull out of Presidential Race.
-Move to L.A. to watch over Mexico.
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LIL WAYNE RESOLVES TO:
-Record three album's worth of material, so I'll be ready when I violate parole.
-Find a smart bitch to get those final 120 credits I need to get my bachelors degree from the University of Phoenix.
-Put Jae Millz on "Go to Trader Joe's" duty until further notice.
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BRETT FAVRE RESOLVES TO:
-Retire.
-Come back.
-Retire.
-Come back.
-Be more decisive...or be more indecisive and just really embrace it. Or not.
-Sell off remaining Crocs stock.
-Not text penis pictures until a woman is definitely interested.
-Spend the off-season working on the strength, conditioning, and stamina of my dong.
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LADY GAGA RESOLVES TO:
-Lend Brett Favre my dong enhancer.
-Get my lawyers to try to figure out what the fuck Akon actually does.
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KIM KARDASHIAN RESOLVES TO:
-Date a Buffalo Bill to complete the 32-team NFL collection.
-Smash Ray J's homie. Make a quality sex tape.
-Use ass to eclipse sun. Make people take back all those jokes about where the sun don't shine.
