Photography By Allison Michael Orenstein/Contour By Getty Images

On The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, David Cross' new IFC show premiering Friday at 10 p.m., he makes—you guessed it—increasingly poor decisions as a dense American sent across the pond to run his company's one-person London sales team. In real life, the 46-year-old actor, writer, and stand-up comedian originally from Georgia makes some pretty damn smart choices. (Say what you will about Alvin and The Chipmunks and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, dude got crazy paid off those!) Fans are still yammering about his old TV series Mr. Show and Arrested Development; he's dating 27-year-old actress Amber Tamblyn; and he spoke to this fine media outlet about his rules for living for the October/November issue's "Mantras" page (see the Kid Cudi and Nicki Minaj covers on stands now). Sharp chap, that David Cross! Keep reading to see what he has to say about groupies, dating younger women, singing, and dippin' tobacco.

David says: Until recently, I was very nervous to sing in front of a crowd. But then I figured out I am a terrific singer. My voice is like Edith Piaf meets Toby Keith meets Nina Simone. The three of them go out to dinner, but then Toby runs off because he's not very comfortable, so he skips dessert, but the joke's on him because Nina Simone picks up the tab. And guess who joins them afterwards? Fucking Eddie Cantor.


David says: You can be red-blooded all-American and left-leaning, but the way to balance it out is when I'm having my homemade hemp, quinoa, and my-own-urine smoothie in the morning, I just sprinkle a little Copenhagen, Skoal, or maybe some Red Man in there. And I drink the smoothie out of a WWE plastic cup.

David says: That is not who I am. I'm not ostentatious. I don't flaunt money. I don't wear jewelry or drive a fancy car. I don't go to fancy clubs. I mean, I've taken my clothes off, I've showed my dick off. Not in a Hollywood asshole way, but in a fun-loving, drunk-New-Yorker-by-way-of-Atlanta way.

David says: Before I was happily in a monogamous relationship, if a woman loved David Cross and I had the opportunity, I would love her right back. But I try not to be an asshole. Hopefully everybody is on the same page. I am certainly not abusive or anything like that. But look, man, if some bitch wants to have a party, fucking jump on it!

David says: I never blow [reunion-crazed Arrested Development fans] off. A lot of times I do the classic look over the shoulder, and say, "Oh my God! What is that?" and then, when they turn around, I run as fast as I can. And if there is a brick wall in front of me, I run through the brick wall and leave an impression of myself.

David says: When dating a younger woman, I would definitely hide your heart medication. That is never flattering. Do not try to engage them in a conversation about drum and bass because you would lose every time. When you say something like, "He's the guitarist for the Smiths," and they go, "The who?" and you go, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY??" don't do that, don't do that. And you don't want to go, "How do you spell Twitter?"