Simon Cowell, the jerk we love to hate, is leaving American Idol after nine seasons, and rumors are flying about who Fox will replace him with. So far we've heard Elton John, Justin Timberlake, and Chris Isaak (kids, the only reason you need to know him is this). No offense to these guys, but WTF! America doesn't need a judge with actual musical ability, just another asshole who can make contestants cry for mercy! Cowell's dickheadedness is the only thing that kept us tuning into the show for the past eight years (well, that and the occasional sex scandal). With only Randy Jackson's amiable ass left to hold it together with dull add-on judges Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DioGuardi, we thought of five entertainment industry assholes who could spice things up and keep folks watching. Here's our list of five douchebags who could actually replace Simon Cowell...
SPENCER PRATT, REALITY-TV PERSONALITY
D-bag cred: Spencer is the biggest asshole on reality TV and ruined every girl's life on The Hills. He gets an additional 100 d-bag points for his flesh-colored beard.
Why he would be good: First of all, he thinks he's better than everyone and would have no problem telling the contestants how shitty they are. Second, we need to give this lunatic a new place to act crazy now that The Hills is canceled.
DAMON DASH, MUSIC LABEL EXECUTIVE
D-bag cred: Opinions are like assholes, but it's a fact that anybody who's ever worked for (or with) Dame has had 10-15 new assholes torn for them by him. Just peep this and this.
Why he would be good: Ever since the breakup (you know what we're talking about), pretty much everything he's touched has turned into doo-doo. Most likely, Dame is pissed at his failing business ventures and needs an outlet to unleash his anger. Besides, he could finally make "this is treacherous!" his signature tagline.
MEL GIBSON, ACTOR & DIRECTOR
D-bag cred: He's a chauvinistic, racist, anti-Semitic, abusive, cold-hearted prick. And that's if you're lucky enough to give birth to his seed!
Why he would be good: The king of crazy meltdowns would be scary to watch, but he would definitely not hold back. YOU ARE GONNA GET VOTED OFF OF THIS FILTHY WHORE OF A SHOW—BUT BLOW ME FIRST!
BILL O'REILLY, POLITICAL COMMENTATOR
D-bag cred: The belligerent TV host pisses everyone off with his fly-off-the-handle conservatism. Plus, it's annoying that he fronts like he's from a working-class background, hiding his prep-school pedigree.
Why he would be good: Bill O'Reilly has involved himself with music before (remember Bill vs. Nas?) and proved to be quite the opinionated man. Plus, you already know how much he loves live television.
LARRY DAVID, ACTOR, WRITER, & PRODUCER
D-bag cred: The most endearing douchebag you'll ever meet. Still a douchebag, though. First he gave us Seinfeld, a show about nothing, then he made us watch a hilarious show about his life as the filthy rich co-creator of the show.
Why he would be good: We love Larry David here at the 'Plex. As much as it pains us to call him a douchebag, we would give anything to see him be a judge on American Idol. His passive-aggressive nature would have him insulting the contestants without actually verbalizing how much he thinks they suck. Just like Simon, he'd be impossible to please and the singers would get so frustrated that they'd eventually vote themselves out of the competition, leaving only Krazee-Eyez Killa to wear the crown. (And if you want to take that as a cunnilingus joke, please do.)
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