Jersey Shore comes back tomorrow (what exactly have we been doing for the past seven months?), and among the things that JS has made cool (spray tans, hair spray, spraying the contents of your stomach across the bathroom floor), steroid use has to be near the top of the list. Before Ronnie and pals made "juicehead" the coolest compliment of 2010, steroids were the domain of baseball players, Olympic athletes, and pro wrestlers—you know, unsavory, un-American types. Now? Steroid usage is accepted and out in the open. In fact, we're big-time juicers here at Complex (our massively engorged fingers make tuypoiunbg klinde ofd hasrd, byut hrey). So to celebrate this new lifestyle, we're giving a nod and a squirt to our favorite (alleged) steroid users. A needle in the ass for all!
Shawne Merriman, NFL player
Why he allegedly used: To try to catch Tom Brady
Complex says: Shawne "Lights Out" Merriman took two shots at love by cheating on both the game (he was suspended for four games in 2006 for violating the NFL's drug policy) and onetime girlfriend Tila Tequila (rumor has it Shawne would bang two or three chicks in front of Tila and then ask her to join). He can talk all the sh*t he wants (and not back it up for the past three years)—foursomes are a great rebuttal to the whole 'roids-shrink-your-nuts propaganda.
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Jose Conseco, MLB player (retired)
Why he allegedly used: To hit home runs.
Complex says: Yes, snitching sucks, but if you snitch on everybody and nobody believes you, and then it turns out you were right...well, that's kinda cool. Plus, he did Madonna in his 'roid-poppping heyday, so there goes the cocktail-peanuts theory again.
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Sylvester Stallone, Actor
Why he allegedly used: Used HGH for anti-aging
Complex says: Not only was Sly using HGH (and Rambotox?!?), but in 2007 he got caught at the Sydney Airport importing 48 vials of the stuff. So yeah, Rocky was on the juice, but we don't see any Philadelphia statues dedicated to fellow City of Brotherly Love native (and noted non-juicer) Seth Green.
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Marion Jones, Sprinter (retired, jailed)
Why she allegedly used: To win a gang of Olympic medals
Complex says: First off, MJ gets props for her fashion sense: she didn't use just any ol' steroids, they were designer! But who cares that Marion Jones admitted to using steroids? She's one of the hottest sprinters to ever bless a one-piece.
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Mark McGwire, MLB player (retired)
Why he allegedly used: Chicks dig the long ball
Complex says: So yeah, he cried when he finally admitted to juicing earlier this year. Dude saved baseball (along with Slammin' Sammy), so FOH with your sanctimony, macaroni.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Actor, Governor of California
Why he allegedly used: To win musclehead competitions
Complex says: Ahnold admitted to using 'roids in the '70s for "tissue building," then successfully sued German doctor Willi Heepe in the '90s for saying the Terminator would die young due to his steroid use. Last we checked, Arnold's still governor (and alive, too), and Willi's still named Willi.
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Leo Messi, footballer
Why they allegedly used: For growth hormone deficiency
Complex says: Leo started taking steroids when he was 11 to correct a growth hormone deficiency. Now 23, he's only 5'7", but he's a helluva soccer player (albeit not a World Cup-winning one) and he hit 114 home runs for the Marlins last year. OK, maybe not the last part.
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Hulk Hogan, Pro Wrestler
Why they allegedly used: To make yellow and red feathers look manly.
Complex says: Hulk Hogan is an American hero. He could've juggled kittens and eaten the head of Barney with Osama bin Laden and he still would've made this list. YEAH, BROTHERRRRRRR.
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Ben Johnson, Sprinter
Why they allegedly used: To beat Carl Lewis
Complex says: Ben set a world record in the 100-meter dash at the 1988 Seoul Olympics, only to have it rescinded and given to second place winner Carl Lewis. Which might sound like a fail at first glance, but a Canadian hasn't come close to winning an Olympic sprinting medal since, and we hate Canadians, so...we're kidding. And if Carl Lewis hadn't gotten the gold, would this ever have happened?
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Timbaland, Producer
Why he allegedly used: To keep up with the likes of Dr. Dre, LL Cool J, Busta Rhymes, etc. (Allegedly. We said allegedly!)
Complex says: Yes, Tim, we included you on this list above Dre and LL. Now, can we finally get a beat? Please?
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