As tired as we are of Wasilla Spice being referred to as "the gift that keeps on giving," the fact remains that she is. And by "gift," we of course mean "Pat Buchanan without the grasp of the issues." (We didn't say "Pat Buchanan without a grasp of the issues and with a vagina," because we've long thought that Pat Buchanan actually does have a vagina, and that most of his rancor stems from his conflicted sense of self.) She'd lain somewhat low for a number of months, but then to everyone's delight she waded back up onto shore this weekend like an enormous irradiated movie monster to assault the airwaves of cable news with two high-profile appearances: the keynote address at the "National" "Tea Party" "Convention"—sorry, but every part of that needed sarcastic quotes—and an extended interview on Fox News Sunday.
Not surprisingly, in both appearances, Palin let loose with a barrage of zomgers, from mistruths to the word soup she's become so famous for. And, as such, we're giving her every slot on our Putrid Pundit panel of the week. Sorry, Monica Crowley—better luck next week!
SARAH PALIN
The Show: Fox News Sunday (FNC)
The Quote: Last week, Palin called for Rahm Emmanuel's resignation this week after it was reported that he had called strategists "retards." So when interviewer Chris Wallace asked her why she hadn't said the same thing when Rush Limbaugh used the word too (he said "Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards 'retards'"), Palin said, "He was hysterical in that...Rush Limbaugh was using satire to bring attention to what this politically correct...using satire."
Our Reaction: We couldn't have said it better ourselves. Wait, actually, a deaf-mute could have said it better. There was nothing satirical in what Limbaugh said, she's just afraid to take on the talk-radio gastropod and unable to make even the feeblest bullshit double standard work.
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SARAH PALIN
The Show: Fox News Sunday (FNC)
The Quote: When asked if her abrupt resignation as governor last year was because she let her enemies drove her out of office, Palin said "Hell, no! Thankfully, I didn't. What we did was we won, because the state today — it's not spending millions of dollars to fight these frivolous lawsuits and frivolous ethics charges, ethics charges like me wearing a jacket with a snow machine logo on it and getting charged for an unethical act for doing such a thing — little, piddly, petty things like that that were costing our state millions of dollars and costing me and my administration, my staff members, about 80 percent of our time fighting those things..."
Our Reaction: Sure, those ethics charges were about wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and not about abuse of power (and being officially deemed to have used her office for personal gain) or receiving improper gifts through the Alaska Fund Trust to pay off more than $500,000 in legal debts. Seriously.
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SARAH PALIN
The Show: Tea Party Convention Keynote Address
The Quote: On the "underwear bomber" Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab: "After he was captured, he was questioned for only fifty minutes. We had a choice in how to do this. The choice was only question him for fifty minutes and then read his Miranda Rights. The administration says then, "There are no downsides or upsides to treating terrorists like civilian criminal defendents." But a lot of us would beg to differ."
Our Reaction: Except that on Meet the Press yesterday, counter-terrorism chief John Brennan revealed that he had let Senate and House Republican leaders know that they were MIrandizing Mutallab, and that they were fine with it.
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SARAH PALIN
The Show: Tea Party Convention Q&A
The Quote: "And then, I think, it is kind of tougher to -- kind of tougher to put our arms around, but allowing America's spirit to rise again by not being afraid -- not being afraid to kind of go back to some of our roots as a God-fearing nation where we are not afraid to say, especially in times of potential trouble in the future here, we are not afraid to say, you know, we don't have all the answers as fallible men and women."
Our Reaction: 1) What now? 2) We think what she's saying is let God make the tough decisions. Because, you know, that's what the separation of church and state is all about! Why even have a democracy in the first place?
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SARAH PALIN
The Show: Tea Party Convention Q&A
The Quote: When asked to describe her political plan, she said "The Palin plan is quite simple and I kind of get a kick out of it. I think it probably drives some of the elitists crazy that I don't get angry about it, I get a kick out of it when they say that I'm too simple-minded and too plain spoken, but my plan is quite simple and that is to support those who understand the foundation of our country."
Our Reaction: That's a plan? That's a PLAN? If that's a plan, you would've given the A-Team lung cancer within two episodes, lighting up cigars whenever you flew somewhere and shit. We don't mean this personally, but you are the dumbest person we've ever heard speak in person, even with crib notes. Ever. The dumbest. How you remember to breathe while you talk is a mystery to us.
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