After months of breathless anticipation, we're pleased to announce that this month finally marks the premiere of Seducing Cindy, a reality show on which Internet model and Playboy cover girl Cindy Margolis—now 44, and with her three kids in tow—looks for love in a group of dudes that includes a "graphic novel reader," a "Tupac impersonator," and a "musician with goatee." Seriously, that's how they're referring to these guys. Not that that's why you'd be keeping your Friday nights free to tune in, of course. You may know Cindy by her endlessly-trumpeted moniker, "Most Downloaded Woman on the Internet," a title that may have meant something in the days before broadband and streaming video but now feels kinda quaint, like your aunt who "used to be a looker" but now "has duck lips and wears low-cut sweaters to the laundromat."
We're not trying to hate, though; we fondly remember Cindy's mid-'90s reign at the top. But there's been plenty of turnover in the past 15 years (yes, you've been "enjoying" pictures of hot women on the Internet for more than a decade), from A-list actresses to softcore models, and we think that Cindy's show is the perfect occasion to examine her competition. Take a look and cast your vote for the true empress of the series of tubes we call our pants the Internet. Form an orderly line, ladies, there's room for all of you on our hard drive...
CINDY MARGOLIS
• She was a nice (blonde) Jewish girl who wouldn't take her top off. Just like summer camp, but on your computer!
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DANNI ASHE
• Grandmotherly porn site proprietress who stole Margolis' Guinness World Record back in the day. Sadly, we remember that happening. We also could never figure out why people thought she was hot. Remember, this was before old people started using computers.
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PAM ANDERSON
• From Home Improvement to Baywatch tothroating Tommy Lee's donghaving her honeymoon video stolen and turned into a porno, Canada's most breathtaking manmade resource had things on liddock in the late '90s and early '00s. And the middle 'DDs.
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TILA TEQUILA
• After the fossilized bones of Friendster were laid to rest, a young upstart called MySpace rose from its ashes, bearing a young enormous-headed Vietnamese woman who for no reason we can ascertain captivated a nation of people with LED-backlit speedometers.
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VIDA GUERRA
• In '02, friends of the Jersey Cubana convinced her to send pictures to laddie mag FHM, a move that led to rap videos, calendars, and one memorable appearance on Chappelle's Show. Melyssa Ford might drive a Honda Accord, but Vida rode that dunkie butt all the way to the Alexa rankings.
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VERONIKA ZEMANOVA
• There's gotta be something in the water in the Czech Republic—and we don't just mean benzene from Soviet-era industrial runoff. But how else do you account for the fact that someone who looks like that is willing to show us those?
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LUCY PINDER
• We always laugh when someone says so-and-so-British-person is going to be huge. But then we see someone like Lucy Pinder, and we think, hmmmm, maybe you have a point there. And then we stare at her breasts.
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JESSICA ALBA
• She popped up, illegal but alluring, in Dark Angel in 2000, and ever since then (or since she turned 18, at least), bandwidth has gotten just a little bit wider for Hollywood's hottest comic-book-movie-actress (at least until Jonah Hex drops).
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KEELY HAZELL
• Think Lucy Pinder, but with a pinch of Elizabeth Hurley so that you don't mind tearing your eyes up to her face every so often. Now that's a topless model!
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KIM KARDASHIAN
• From "who's that dark-haired chick behind Paris" to "holy shit, Ray J" to Complex homegirl for life, the best thing Bruce Jenner ever took into his life has been responsible for more dead kittens than anyone we can remember.
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DENISE MILANI
• The name is Italian, the woman is Czech, the frame makes our pulse Russian and our hands Roman. Talk about a European Union! Here all week, folks, here all week.
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MEGAN FOX
• You've probably never heard of her, so just take our word for it: she's apparently quite popular in some corners of the Internet.
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