Following in the great tradition of the adult entertainment industry repurposing various popular culture themes ( Tiger's Wood, Nailin' Palin, Position Impossible), porn paragon Zero Tolerance Entertainment has announced that an X-rated parody version of MTV's telecrack megabomb Jersey Shore is in the works. And it's going to be called...wait for it...WAIT FOR IT...Jersey Whores.
It may not be "reality TV," but we don't see scripting being a problem on this one. A scene or two happening at a tanning salon, fisting pumping of some sort, and a situation (not to be confused with The Situation) involving "hair gel" a la There is Something About Mary—and voila, an AVN Awards juggernaut is born. Finding the right talent to play Snooki, Sammi Sweetheart, Jolie, and J-WOWW, however, will be a much tougher task...which is where we come in (and many men before us as well). It happens that Complex has already done a full and thorough analysis of the guidettes already, but combine that with our vast knowledge of female adult movie stars, you've got your casting done. So here it goes...
For the role of J-WOWW
Actress: Eva Angelina
Why : We couldn't help but notice J-WOWW's faint resemblance to Emmanuelle Chriqui, but as much as we can dream, Jersey Shore will win an Emmy before the beautiful Entourage star agrees to go full X. So instead, there's Eva Angelina, whose bionic cans are about as subtle as J-WOWW's, and is also similarly rumored to be in possession of a vagina that is a rainbow and pasta treasure.
CLICK HERE TO SEE WHO WILL PLAY JOLIE!
For the role of JOLIE
Actress: Audrey Bitoni
Why: At the young age of 21, Audrey Bitoni is already an award winning cock-rocker. Jolie, bless her lazy early-departing soul, is an accomplished cock-blocker, having on at least one occasion gotten between The Situation and some low-hanging tang. Given his all-sizzle-no-steak (ayo!) performance so far, we're not sure if he could have closed the deal regardless, but that's beside the point.
CLICK HERE TO SEE WHO WILL PLAY SNOOKI!
For the role of SNOOKI!
Actress: Alexis Amore
Why: Other than similarities in appearance (OK, not really, but they're both dark and short), addiction is the common ground these two girls share: Snooki to tanning beds, and Alexis, from what we've seen, to body art (she has piercings in places where the light don't shine [unless you count the light from the cameras that are broadcasting her orifices to the world]). Oh, and they've both taken a hard one to the jaw. Zing!
CLICK HERE TO SEE WHO WILL PLAY SAMMI SWEETHEART!
For the role of SAMMI SWEETHEART
Actress: Sasha Grey
Why: Before you start making threats on our lives for comparing one of the hottest porn stars to ever grace the screen with a 7-at-best Jersey chick with soccer legs, examine the evidence. They do look alike...a little bit. Don't they? Okay, fine.
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