It's okay, we're using the term with love.
After a week of "holy shit, did you WATCH that?" conversations and guilty rationalizations, we couldn't be happier that tonight marks a new episode of MTV's magical telesavior Jersey Shore. And while we're as happy as the next person to see what's really good with that dude tapping Snooki's jaw, we'd be lying if we said we weren't looking forward to some gratuitous leg, butt, and cleavage shots from the Italian stallionettes who are running ish in Seaside Heights.
The thing is, we're torn; one minute we think J-WOWW is our favorite, but then we're partial to Sammi Sweetheart, and you can't rule out the tiny chemically blackened wonder that is Snooki. So we're gonna have to leave it up to you to decide: who's the fairest (or at least the least foul) of them all? Read on for a full recon dossier on the four ladies, along with photo evidence and a pro/con argument, then vote for your favorite. You never know who might end up making a visit to the Complex HQ...
J-WOWW
Real Name: Jenni Farley
Background: She's a marketer for social networking site Ignition Nation, and has a bunch of hot pictures on her member page there that we'd totally grab, except we're too lazy to sign up for a site that bills itself as being "created by two fun-loving, carbon-monoxide breathing, combustible guys who were looking for a way to share their passion with all the other roadies, drivers, enthusiasts and fun folks out there." She also recently was named the next cover and centerfield of The Horse, the #1 horsefucking Harley enthusiasts' magazine. Oh, and she tried out for NYC's Lingerie Football League team earlier this year, but sadly didn't make it past the "do your breasts pose an environmental hazard" stage.
Pro: Since when did we care about environmental hazards?
Con: We're not sure, but that enormous dragon tattoo on her side might gitcha.
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SAMMI SWEETHEART
Real Name: Sam Giancola
Background: A senior at William Paterson University, Sammi is a sociology major who plays midfield for the women's soccer team! We're no sociology majors, but we'd bet that her head-ball game is tops.
Pro: Soccer legs, which she's already used to kick The Situation right in his ego when she chose the Boogie Down Beast, Ronnie.
Con: Unless she's Thierry Henry, she's not used to using her hands. Wait a minute, maybe that's a pro...
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JOLIE
Real Name: Angelina Pivarnick
Background: A nice Shaolin girl, Angelina hasn't yet figured out that she might want to change the privacy on her Facebook photo albums.
Pro: Dresses up like a sexy kitty-cat for Halloween.
Con: Her cock-blocking game is All-Madden, thanks no doubt to years being the "grenade girl" in her crew.
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SNOOKI
Real Name: Nicole Polizzi
Background: The Poughkeepsie native—and yes, she's actually Italian, not just a Persian fetishists who fronts like a guidette—took Jersey Shore as a perfect opportunity to come out from the tanning bed in which she spent the first 21 years of her life. Oh, and she once appeared on the MTV show Is She Really Going Out With Him?, in which she played a tiny loud attention whore who can't hold her liquor. Just a guess.
Pro: If you ever wanted to know what it was like to hook up with a lemur that smelled like tequila, she's like heaven on earth!
Con: The minute you look in any other direction but straight into her eyes, she'll hold a letter opener to her own neck until you love her again.
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WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE GUIDETTE? VOTE HERE!
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RELATED:
• Before Jersey Shore: Great Moments In Guido History
• Complex's Top 100 Girls Of The 2000s!
