Sure, it's old news by now, but Disney's announced purchase of Marvel and all its characters has revved up the Internet's creativity machine, with comic-book fans and Disney-loving pedophiles alike firing up the imaging software to imagine their favorite mashups. The thing is, no one's as good at it as we are (suck it, Conan!) Besides, no one cares about Disney characters, and the House That Walt Built knows that it's gonna need a lot more than Mickneto to get its movie mojo back. That's why we went ahead and planned out Disney's next few tentpole releases (ayo!), starring the only sure-fire moneymakers in Hollywood...
BOOTY AND BEAST
STARRING: Storm and Beast
PLOT: The Foxy Brown of Xavier's crew finds love with a brilliant and gentle man who happens to be covered in blue hair. Some other shit happens too, but we're too busy waiting to see if Storm whips up a hurricane that blows her clothes off.
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THE WOLVERINE KING
STARRING: Uh, Wolverine. What, you thought we'd cast Sabretooth? HAHAHAHAHA! *nerdwheeze*
PLOT: After a storied career as a lab rat, Logan returns to Canada to claim his rightful place at the throne, where an inexplicable crowd of zebras and elephants exalt his rule. Too bad that INS is on his tail--will the adamantium-sheathed crown prince fulfill his destiny, or just get deported to the land of poor healthcare?
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THE LITTLE MERMAID
STARRING: Namorita
PLOT: The Sub-Mariner's niece only wants to see what it's like on land, thanks to hallucinations brought on by a nasty case of the crabs. A young human prince catches her fancy--but evil sea-witch Bloodtide is bent on ruining everything!
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MUTAN
STARRING: Psylocke
PLOT: When Huns invadeChinaBeverly Hills, it's up to young Besty Braddock to fight them off. How can she infiltrate? Only by passing herself off as Asian!
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EMMA FROST AND THE SEVEN MUTANTS
STARRING: Emma Frost, Iceman, Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Gambit, Toad, Blob, Rogue
PLOT: The smokingest evil genius on Earth-616 is tired of being underappreciated by her wicked stepsisters (Scarlet Witch and Mystique), until she's poisoned by the Red Queen and is found by seven zany mutants! Spoiler alert: she and Toad run off together. With a tongue like his, who can blame her?
