Ken Jeong: Illin’ Like a Villain

Ken Jeong of The Hangover found his lane playing a regular dude with an irregular temper, but how does he react to real-life injustices? Say hi to the bad guy.

(Text) As told to Jack Erwin; Photography by Chirs McPherson

RACIAL INSENSITIVITY

“What? Was that a racial slur, my friend? No, I distinctly heard you saying ‘chink.’ No, no, no, you didn’t say ‘skating rink,’ you said ‘chink.’ I don’t want any of this banana smegma on my hands, so I’m just gonna drop these peels all over the place. Fuck ’em. I know this is an elderly ‘fun run’ that I happen to be walking through, I know that there are a lot of people with walkers who are going to fall, but I have my own problems. You’ve lived your life, break a hip.”

SELFISH KIDS

“I come home drunk and I want to watch Medium, but my kids want to watch Elmo. They’ve TiVoed 45 episodes of Sesame Street and I can’t watch Medium. I ask myself, ‘What do I want for Christmas?’ I want to watch Medium. But I heard Medium’s about to be cancelled—there is no Santa Claus! So I ask the kids: ‘Think about it: Is there really a Santa Claus?’ They’re about to cry, and my wife’s going, ‘Don’t say that, honey. He’s kidding!’ No, I’m not kidding.”

BUREAUCRATIC RED TAPE

“My beloved grandfather in North Korea is impoverished and malnourished. It’s his dream to go to the U.S. The North Korean government won’t allow it and the American government won’t allow it either, especially this one bitch from the U.S. Embassy. A friend of mine who’s Libyan has some uranium, and now I’ve got a dirty bomb in my garage and I will destroy the U.N. if they don’t let Pop-Pop into my home. That’s all I want. I want Pop-Pop back.”

UNWANTED PETS

“I thought we had Buzz neutered? Obviously our vet’s a fucking hack, because Buzz fucked that Yorkie down the street. First of all, the puppies are ugly. That alone justifies me throwing them in the river. Second of all, we can’t afford it, and no, I’m not going to put these puppies on Craigslist. I just want to rest and watch Medium this weekend, OK? No one knows we have them, our kids don’t even know the puppies exist. Who’ll miss them?”