Thfft ug ousep nastercres ucsivalper...Sorry, we like to speak what we're writing as we type, and we're having a little trouble understanding ourselves while talking through these masks. You see, New York City is in full lockdown mode due to an outbreak of Swine Flu at a local high school: restaurants and bars are closed, the streets are deserted, and designers at Supreme and Nike are feverishly at work (like, they literally got fevers) on a limited edition "coffin clog" that all the hipsters will be rocking at their open casket funerals next week.

OK, so maybe shit's not quite that bad. NYC is relatively calm and we all know it really will take the end of the world before hipsters throw their deck shoes off the boat and start wearing clogs. That said, we ain't exactly getting rid of our powdered milk stash, either. The swine flu's already killed 149 people in Mexico, and a quick look at the history of other animal-borne epidemics shows that our feathered and/or furry friends are about as trustworthy as a big butt and a smile when it comes to human health. We're calling it When Animals Attack (Our Immune Systems)...


Perpetrator: Fleas, and the rats they rode in on
Years Active: Various, the height of the "Black Death" in Europe was 1347-1351
Symptoms: Buboes, fever, chills
Body Count: Approx. 75 million
Cure?: Disable the "14th Century" button on your time machine


Perpetrator: Bad bush meat
Years Active: 1976-present
Symptoms: High fever, severe headache, projectile bleeding
Body Count: Approx. 1300
Cure?: Don't eat bush meat


Perpetrator: Tainted beef (not that fat chick whose toe we "accidentally" stepped on this morning on the subway)
Years Active: 1984-present
Symptoms: Extreme sensitivity to touch, progressive unsteadiness, inability to stand up
Body Count: 206
Cure?: Vegetarianism


Perpetrator: Birds, particularly those from Avia
Years Active: 1997-present
Symptoms: Fever, cough, sore throat, conjunctivitis
Body Count: 248
Cure?: Shoot anything that flies


Perpetrator: Civet cats
Years Active: November 2002-July 2003
Symptoms: Fever, lethargy, cough, sore throat
Body Count: 774
Cure?: Don't breathe