Ayo! Scott loves twins (especially identical sisters who look so similar that they can't possibly blame him when he "accidentally" cheats on one with the other). Twin lover that he is, Ayo! was highly offended by The Unborn, a new horror flick that will scare anybody into a good 87 minute nap. The basic premise of director/writer David S. Goyer's movie, which opens today, is that evil spirits use mirrors and twins as portals into this world. Ridiculous, venomous lies! Ayo! and other men of libidinal fortitude know that twins are only portals to Pleasuretown...

Aside from the foundational fault of the film, there is much that forced Ayo! to roll his eyes in non-orgasmic pleasure. The kindest thing Ayo! can say about Goyer, who's penned stories and/or screenplays for decent flicks such as the Blade trilogy, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, is that he probably wrote the script on Charmin while extremely constipated and distracted on the shitter. This may be the first time Ayo! has ever been appalled by juvenile usage of the words "vagina" and "wood," but then Ayo! supposes that some sad men just don't know what to do with these glorious tools.

Full of horror clichés like freaky kids, bug infestations, 180- and 360-degree rotating heads and holy men possessed by evil spirits, The Unborn neglects the most useful cliché of all. When a horror flick falls flat and every scare and twist is visible from the coming attractions, twos must be revealed. The absence of areola makes a mockery of mammaries! If Goyer didn't have the juice to convince his relatively unknown star Odette Yustman or her sidekick Meagan Good to run around topless so that there was one compelling thing about the movie, he should have been pulled and put straight to work on one of his many upcoming PG-13 comic adaptations. Because, as is, The Unborn gets the twins. Word to Ayo's nuts.


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