1.
Why is this happening? What adults are cosigning this move? Can North even talk? I have a lot of questions about the whole situation, but when you’re given the opportunity to interview North West, you just go with it.
I get escorted to the back of the house and out onto a patio surrounding a pool. North is sitting at a small, round table. Seated to her left is a stuffed animal, Carl the Lion, and on her right is a vintage Barbie. North’s toy game is nice.
Hey North. Thank you for taking time out of your day to talk with me… can you understand what I’m saying?
[Laughs] Yes, I can understand you.
So you’re at that Baby Genius level?
In a sense… it’s actually quite complicated. I can get Jaden in here to explain it, if you want?
No no it’s all good, I think I’ve got it… so, what’s it like being North West?
[North sighs and looks over at Carl. Shit. She was looking forward to giving a great interview and my first question is, “What’s it like being North West?” I put my face in my hands and try to rub the sleep out of my eyes. I’ve got to pull it together. All of a sudden I hear North’s voice quivering.]
Hello? Hey where did you go?
[I look up and stare at North. She’s alarmed to see me, but then starts giggling.]
How did you do that! [Laughs] I see you’re a magician like my father.
[After my peek-a-boo-sorcery, North is much livelier. The interview takes on a more positive tone.]
So you don’t think that your family is at all excessive?
There’s an old saying I once read. It goes: “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.” I am happy. So I clap my hands. My whole family is happy, so we all clap our hands. But when we clap our hands, so many people hear it. They think we’re being arrogant and excessive when really, we’re just clapping the only way we know how.
A lot of people would argue that buying a Bentley is not equivalent to clapping hands.
I live in a different world. Anything my family does will look outlandish to the public because we’re living a lifestyle no one can really comprehend. Did you know that I’ve never waited in a line?
That’s impossible.
Nope. Not one line. Granted it’s only been 16 months, but whenever I’ve gone out with my parents we’ve never had to wait in a line for anything. Constant motion commerce.
That’s pretty crazy.
That’s what I’m saying. My life is just different and I’m trying and make the best of it and not end up like Chaz Bono.
Are you aware that there are tons of people that hate your family?
Oh yes. I’ve seen it many times. And it’s real hate. We were walking out of a hotel last week and a guy screamed, “Hey kid your mom’s a **** she ****** * ******* and only got famous from *** *****.” He yelled that! I was right there! That was the only time I almost lost it and broke the silent baby code and went at him. If my muscles were fully developed I would have smashed him.
Wow, so you didn’t act out at all when that happened?
I stared at him without blinking for 30 seconds which is worst possible insult from us babies. But other than that I kept my cool.
What did you think about your mother’s latest PAPER Magazine spread?
I was a little disappointed at first, but then I realized she’s 34 and this is her prime time to flaunt it. I wouldn’t want someone telling me what I can and can’t do at 34. And now she definitely can’t ever tell me what to do [Laughs].
Do you believe that your family is newsworthy?
Unfortunately yes. But only because that’s what the news has become. In the past, a celebrity could just exist and the whole country didn’t need to form an opinion on that person’s personal life. People would say, “That Dean Martin sure is swell, I look forward to reading about him again in four months, when he’s back in the paper!” Now everything my family does is under a microscope so it’s only a matter of time before someone sees something that they don’t like. Grown adults were calling my name stupid! Why is that worth talking about? Go read a book, damn.
No question you’ve got your father’s passion. Do you have a favorite Kanye album?
So far 808s is my favorite, I listen to “Street Lights” every night before bed. But I still haven’t listened to the two before that.
[I drop my pen. This can’t be right. Here is North West, daughter of Kanye, and she has never heard Late Registration. And she thinks 808s & Heartbreak is his third album.]
Wait… you’ve never heard “Gone”?
[Laughs] No! I’ll get there though, I swear.
[All of a sudden I want to leave the interview. I get suspicious of the whole event and begin to get shifty. Where is any supervision? Does anyone else know this is happening? I’m sitting alone with a 16-month-old superstar. I could fit her in my backpack and get at least two million in ransom. Dammit, I’m thinking about stuffing celeb babies in my backpack again. I wonder if North can read my thoughts. She’s a baby genius… can BGs read minds? I never saw the movie. Maybe she’s listening right now. Maybe Kanye has the technology for security in here that can read guests’ minds and they think I’m going to kidnap North. I would never steal a baby! Stealing a baby would be awful! Why would I want that burden? I love the Wests!]
Is everything okay? Drink some tea.
[North points to the empty tea cups in front of us. She picks hers up and takes a drink and motions for me to do the same. I laugh and playfully take a sip from my cup. Holy shit the air tea is amazing.]
Damn! This tea!
Right? It tea!
[I finish my cup and pour another. This tea is 2 on. I take a sip and study North. She’s such a small, innocent little baby, getting thrown into a whirlwind of a life that moves too fast for most grown adults, let alone a child.]
So where does North West see herself in 20 years?
On a beach in Hawaii… renting out umbrellas to people at a resort. I don’t want my parents’ lives. I already hate fashion and I would live in my father’s shadow if I went into music. I want to make my own decisions and hopefully my parents support that.
Those are some modest aspirations.
That’s what I want. We should all be allowed to dream about whatever life we want. If I sat here and told you, “I want to be a creative genius like Steve Jobs or Walt Disney,” you would probably be impressed at my goals and encourage me to reach them. But if my dad says that, he gets roasted by critics. Is there a certain age that we’re not allowed to dream as big as we can? Can you reach a certain level, at which point you’re not allowed to get any higher or to achieve any more success? I’ve watched my dad fight through so much and I want no part of that. I want to rent umbrellas on a beach in Hawaii. That’s it. Maybe start a cool seashell collection too. Here, I drew this for you just now while we were talking.
[North hands me a piece of paper. It’s a drawing of me and North. It’s honestly just terrible, messy scribbling, but I appreciate the gesture.]
Thank you North! I guess it’s time to wrap this up.
[I put North’s drawing in my pocket and start to gather my things. I look up at North and she looks so sad.]
I can’t believe you broke all the toys and you’re eating all the cake.
What?
[I stand up but get a crazy head rush and immediately lose my balance. The tea is too strong. I fall onto the table and it smashes. There’s screaming all around me.]
“I told you not to invite him! He ruins everything!”
[I wake up on a table in my sister’s backyard. It’s my niece’s birthday party. My sister’s husband is pulling me up off of the table that is now covered with crushed presents and cake. The cake is chocolate. It’s delicious.]
“Come on man, time to go.”
[I look around and see a beautifully decorated backyard with little kids everywhere staring at me. Dammit. My brother-in-law leads me out of the yard and to the front of the house. My sister follows, still yelling at me. Wait. The picture North drew for me!]
“Wait!” I scream.
[I dig into my pocket and pull out the piece of paper. I unfold it. It’s the drawing! The interview was real! I can explain everything!]
“Look it’s real! I really interviewed North West! Look!
[My sister stares at the drawing, then at me.]
“You’re the worst.”
