10 Ideas That Could Improve Every Music Festival

By Charles Holmes

Over the past few years, it seems as if the number of music festivals has increased exponentially. As festivals pop up, it would make sense that some would try to differentiate themselves in an already saturated market. Unfortunately, that generally isn’t the case.

Between the exorbitantly priced tickets, carnival food masquerading as fine dining, and big headliners overshadowing smaller acts, most music festivals are, sadly, plagued with the same problems. To remedy this situation, we've come up with some ideas that will make any music festival better.

If there is anything that can ruin the overall festival experience, it is the appearance of the dreaded bro. They are loud, obnoxious, travel in packs, and don’t know a summer outfit that doesn’t include a tie-dye tank with matching bandana. So, imagine a festival that has select officers tasked with protecting the general public from the inevitable bro attack.

These officers are specifically trained to handle a variety of situations:

1. Bros trying to force their way to the front of the stage

2. Bros that can’t handle their high

3. Bros that keep “accidentally” brushing up against your girl's butt

Yeah, we need that Bro Alert ASAP.

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There is a specific time during a music festival when a peculiar event takes place. The sun is at its apex, burning down upon the populace, and enough perspiration is being produced to fill a small ocean. This unbearable inferno results in a sudden realization for the festival’s collective consciousness.

Everyone’s deodorant is wearing off and the day is barely over. Halfway through, music festivals start to smell terrible. Giving out free deodorant to combat the overwhelming body odor should be a federal law. Anything less is just cruel.

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If you’ve ever had the privilege of watching The Wire, then you undoubtedly get the reference. For the uninitiated, "Hamsterdam" is an idea concocted by a cop to legalize drugs in a few select zones in the city of Baltimore. By concentrating drugs in certain areas, police officers were better equipped to deal with cases of violence and overdose.

This idea could do wonders for music festivals. Most festivals are so concerned with stopping drug use that they never realize a simple truth: Humans will always find a way to ingest their drug of choice. Since this is the case, why not let people drink their molly water in peace, while simultaneously giving them an area to tweak under the supervision of medical professionals? This might also help eliminate the problem of 13-year-old girls approaching strangers who look like they might be drug dealers to try to make a purchase. No little girl, no drugs for you here. Try Hamsterdam.

Tall people ruin concerts. It feels mean to admit this, but it's true. Tall people have a knack for always congregating in front of average height concertgoers as if to flaunt Mother Nature’s good fortune. If you’re above 6” then there is a warm place in hell reserved for all the times you’ve obstructed the view of someone at a concert, with a special circle reserved for those of you with big hair or hats.

For once, it would be nice to be able to see the stage, without being at the mercy of the swaying whims of the tall person in front of you. Festivals should reserve special sections based on height. Short people deserve to see the stage every once in a while, too.

If there is one thing that is worse then being stuck behind a tall person it is the “Shoulder Girl.” These girls prey on unsuspecting males—generally ones with low self-esteem—in order to be hoisted above the rest of us. If festivals were an episode of Game of Thrones, the Shoulder Girl would be Daenerys Targaryen, a self-anointed princess that believes the music festival was created to honor her impeccable beauty and grace.

To the Shoulder Girl, we, the crowd, are common folk that should be happy to have our view obstructed by her presence. The Shoulder Girl ordeal is becoming an epidemic, and festivals need to start cracking down before us commoners start a revolt.

There comes a time when everyone faces a sad truth about his or her festival experience. One phrase sums up the utter despair that you find yourself in, amid a writhing sea of half-naked young adults. Under your breath you utter the phrase, “I am too old for this shit.”

This is accompanied by the realization that you’d much rather be at home watching the latest season of Orange is the New Black or that show Firefly that your brother never stops talking about. To slow this agonizing march into old age, festivals should make tents that bring the comfort of home to the music festival experience. Sometimes a good episode of House of Cards and a couch is all you need to get re-energized for that Skrillex set coming up. Netflix tents need to happen.

Imagine if Woodstock had a V.I.P. section. It's sad what festivals are turning into—gatherings that have become more about corporate sponsorships than music. By design, festivals are meant to be inclusionary events. V.I.P. sections are the antithesis of this.

Getting a back rub, eating fresh sushi, using a private restroom... at a music festival? Fuck outta here. If you don't know the sharp feeling of terror that rushes through you as you open a port-a-potty door, you're doing festivals wrong. We're all in this together.

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There is usually a time in between that washed up band you used to love in high school and your eighth Lime-A-Rita when you make a very important discovery: You need a nap. But you can't nap, because you'll miss out. So you chug six more Lima-A-Ritas, take a pill that you find in the grass, chug a leftover energy drink that's been heating up in your backpack all day, and completely lose your mind.

Right after the sun goes down, the proportion of assholes to normal people is greatly increased, and the reason is simple—those people needed a damn nap. Even the best festival days experience a lull. Designate a nap time. No FOMO, because everyone's doing it. Digest that ill-advised taco/churro combo, chill on the Lime-A-Ritas for a few minutes, and take a well needed rest.

In theory, music festivals should be about enjoying new music, friends, food, and culture. It should be a place where one walks from stage to stage, experiencing artists new and old. This is rarely the case. With each year, festivals become bigger, leading to headliners that far overshadow the acts that preceded them and the creation of a major dilemma. Do you wait by the main stage all afternoon so you can see the headliner up-close, or do you catch all the small acts and end up way in back for the grand finale?

Solution: spot-holders. They hold your spot in the crowd, alert you when the show's about to start, and hold up a tall flag so you can find them. You step in, they step out, and everyone's good to go. Now you can actually see Outkast.

We're sick of missed connections.

It's not often you hear about a married couple who met at a music festival. Want to know why? Because when you're at a music festival, you're probably drunk and/or on drugs, in an unfamiliar place, lost in a crowd of people, dirty/disgusting, and your phone is probably dead, so even if you want to get a girl or guy's number, you can't. You'll say, "Just tell it to me; I'll remember it." And you won't remember it, because you're fucking wasted.

The solution: a matchmaking booth. If you meet a girl or guy you like, run them over to the booth, have a professional swap all relevant information, make the connections on Facebook or whatever, and then you can keep it moving.

Tomorrowland has apparently created digital wristbands that let you instantly befriend that girl or guy you like on Facebook, so that's a start.