When Kendrick Met Shrek (and Other Hilarious Rap Fan Fiction)

Read some of the strangest (and funniest) hip-hop fan fiction we've come across.

Plenty of people at any given moment are probably wondering what Drake is currently up to. Is he eating a sandwich? Is he re-organizing his bed pillows? Or is he perhaps falling in love with characters from Dragonball Z? Knowing Drake, it’s most likely not going to be the latter, as exciting as the prospect seems. But with the wonders of the internet, it’s become increasingly easy to pretend that Drake actually is, in fact, a huge fan of anime.

Fan fiction has allowed the biggest fans to see their wildest fantasies brought to life on their computer screens, no matter how ridiculous and unlikely they may be. With enough time spent browsing the darker corners of the internet, you can find fan fiction about pretty much anything. Here are some of the weirdest and funniest hip-hop fan fictions on the web.

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2. Love Lockdown (Kanye West & Jared Leto's Twisted Romance)

Forget Kim and Kanye—it’s all about Kanye and Jared Leto, apparently. This story follows a chance encounter between 'Ye and Leto before they fall deeply in love. Whilst it’s easy to believe their egos would get along, the relationship wouldn’t work on so many levels, and “Love Lockdown” acknowledges this. It starts with the two talking about having a foot fetish, and ends with Jared accidentally strangled to death by his own scarf, and Kanye committing suicide because of it. It’s kind of like an episode of The Twilight Zone, but with more anal beads.

As long as Kanye was there for him to fight for, Kanye knew Weezy would stay by his side, fists clenched and teeth blared. Not even threat of jail time or losing his own life would be enough to get Weezy to stand down, and Kanye knew without a doubt that if he didn’t end things soon he’d have someone else’s pain on his conscious, that he’d be guilty for another friend, another lover’s life.

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3. Beyond Layers, Beyond Love (Kendrick Lamar Meets Shrek)

The market for this isn't exactly clear, considering Shrek and Kendrick Lamar don't really have much in common. Anyway, this fan fiction involves Kendrick Lamar being teleported to Shrek’s swamp, where we quickly learn that Shrek is a huge fan of good kid, M.A.A.D city. Despite offering further proof that pretty much everyone enjoyed that record, “Beyond Layers, Beyond Love” doesn’t really paint a very convincing tale. Kendrick probably isn’t concerned about selling out, and it’s very doubtful that Fiona would be cool with what went down. Whatever, you’ll just be glad when it’s ogre.

“Wait a bloody minute! Kendrick Lamar?! I love yer music! I'm Shrek. I've been a fan since yer first mixtape!” Kendrick, being the hardened man that he was, quickly composed himself and stood up to shake the hand of one of his biggest fans.

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4. Rihanna Dominates Harry Styles

Apparently, "Riharry" is a type of fan fiction that’s quite common, so at first glance, this doesn’t seem all that weird. That is, until you get the part where naughty things start to happen. It all begins with Harry Styles muttering “Yes, Daddy,” and from that point onwards it’s all downhill.

This is essentially a story about Rihanna banging a member of One Direction, and it’s about as sensual as opening a bag of sweets and dropping them on the floor. When you pick up the sweets, they’re covered in hair, so at that point they’re no good. No one wants hair on their gummy bears, and most likely, no one wants to read about Rihanna doing a dude up the bum either.

Rihanna had a soft spot for Harry, one that turned into a large problem sometime around the VMA's. She could basically pinpoint the exact moment—turning around and seeing Harry cautiously eating an orange in the row behind her, watching him frown as he ran long fingers underneath the peel, thinking that the sight was endearing, even a little arousing, instead of really fucking weird.

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5. Donald Glover Forgets the Rules of Spider Solitaire for a Second

The thought of Childish Gambino taking the time to sit down and play Spider Solitaire is an amusing one. He’s a pretty well-off dude; he can play literally any game he wants. Why would he want to play something that comes pre-installed on Windows? Apparently, he’s not too great at it anyway, since he wins in like 130 moves, which is a really poor effort. Whatever, this one just goes one step too far.

"Oh man, I haven’t played Spider Solitaire in, like, ages," thought Donald Glover. He hadn’t expected to have so much fun on a Windows computer but it had been a long three years since he had last used a PC. "I used to be sick," he whispered under his breath.

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6. Lil B’s First Day of Kindergarten

We all know Lil B is the most positive dude on the planet, but did you know he’s been that way since kindergarten? Well, according to this fan fiction (which reads more like a biography) the Based God has kept things #rare since kindergarten. Telling the story of Lil B learning the alphabet, and the discovery of his fondness for the color pink, it’s a brief, but captivating read. Lil B is laying down the ground rules here, and his teacher understands what he really is: the true embodiment of swag.

The teacher, Ms. Worther, moved efficiently through the tables, licking her fingers periodically as she passed out a pile of pink worksheets. "What a nice color," Lil B thought to himself absentmindedly.

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7. Nothing Was the Same (Drake's Attack on Titan Adventure)

The popularity of Attack on Titan continues to surprise, because now there’s a fan fiction in which Drake is part of that universe. It was bound to happen, really. Anime and Drake—something about it just seems to make sense. This fan fiction, though? Not much sense at all. Some guy falls in love with Drake (very common problem), and Drake doesn’t seem to feel the same way. Basically, the anime dude ruins their friendship in the hopes of something more, and nothing was the same.

As he alighted his name had been called out of dreams. The violence went out of his heart, and a purity that he had never imagined dwelt there instead. His friend had called him. He stood for a moment entranced, then the new emotion found him words, and laying his hand very gently upon the pillows he answered, "Drake!"

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8. Kanye West Tries to Get a Record Deal With Eggman

Sonic fans are a pretty avid bunch, but then again, so are Yeezy fans. Of course, the likelihood of this fan-fiction coming true is about the same as Mike Dean lurking on a Yeezy forum, but it’s just as exciting nonetheless. Kanye is trying to get a record deal off of Eggman (Sonic’s biggest villain, in case you didn't know). Why Kanye is coming to Eggman trying to get a record deal, nobody really knows. But, what we do know is that Eggman doesn’t tolerate any of his bullshit. Eggman kills Kanye because he’s so against the use of animals as his minions... or something.

"But Eggman!" pleaded Kanye, "It goes against God to use an intelligent being as slave labour!"

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9. Pitbull Tries to Seduce Enrique Iglesias

If you love stories that are told in a non-chronological order, then oh boy, are you in for a treat with this one! “Unrequited Love” paints Pitbull as the delicate man that we all hope he really is. Under that oversized, blindingly white suit is a man with a heart, and that heart belongs to Enrique Iglesias. Unfortunately, the story hasn’t been completed yet. But, in the long run, it’s probably for the best that the ending is left a mystery.

Pitbull always knew he was bi, but he was one hundred percent sure that Enrique was straight. He always sang about women in his songs, but perhaps it was just a cover. Pitbull proceeded to decide it was clearly a cover. And Enrique would be his.

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10. Halloween: Michael Myers Reborn (ft. Lil Jon)

Have you ever thought about what might happen if Michael Myers from John Carpenter’s Halloween and Lil' Jon lived next to each other? Well, if you have, you're pretty weird, but you're probably also the type of person who'd really enjoy this fan fiction. Basically, Michael Myers runs out of milk, so he goes to borrow some off of his neighbor, and it turns out that his neighbor is Lil Jon. Things get pretty heated from there, and the two end up discussing the finer intricacies of French literature. Just kidding, they have sex because it’s a fan fiction.

The two of them sat and smoked together for a while, laughing and sharing introductions with each other. It was one of the best times Michael had ever had, but then things suddenly took a turn he wasn’t expecting. Lil Jon got down from the chair he was sitting in and bega crawling along the floor. He reached Michael and put his head on Michael’s lap. He looked up at Michael, and though unable to read his expression through the mask, took a guess at how he was feeling. “Yo, you probly ain’t done none a this kinda shit before. I feel. But n*gga you liked this roach and if you cuh trust me fo’ a minute, I think you end up likin’ this too. SKEET SKEET!”

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11. Death Strips (MC Ride Meets Anthony Fantano)

Everyone knows that the internet’s busiest music nerd is a huge fan of Death Grips, but this is maybe just a little extreme. In this gripping tale, Anthony Fantano is just minding his own business, when all of a sudden MC Ride of Death Grips fame knocks at his door. The story, of course, gets explicit pretty fast. Ride yells out numerous recognisable lyrics during their lovemaking, and it all gets pretty intense.

After a while, Anthony said; “hey… I haven’t really been honest with you Stefan… Can I call you that? To tell the truth, I know a lot about Death Grips. I’m pretty much your biggest fan.” “Ha-ha… Yes I know… and I have to confess something too. I watch almost all of your video reviews. Y-you could say that I’m your biggest fan.”

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12. Merry Christmas, Kitty

In this fan-fiction, all Kitty's (now sans Pryde) Christmas dreams come true. Just as Christmas Eve ends, Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend comes down Kitty’s chimney in a Santa Claus outfit to wish her a Merry Christmas. That’s right—the most charming man in indie comes to wish her a happy holiday. Obviously, she’s in shock, but things only get more overwhelming from there. The present that Ezra left is, in fact, Skrillex. Not only that, but it turns out Ezra’s sleigh is led by the My Little Pony cast. Yeah.

Ezra Koenig let out that chuckle again before pulling his hand up to give her the iconic 'Shhhh' sign, and disappeared up the chimney as fast as he had come. It had only taken moments, but Santa Ezra had appeared and disappeared before she could really even process his appearance. In fact, she might have thought she was hallucinating, maybe drank the bad nog or something earlier, if not for the bag that lay, still and long, next to the Christmas tree.

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13. An Interview With Hologram Tupac

Remember Hologram Tupac? Yeah, Hologram Tupac was a thing, unfortunately. Naturally, the bizarre Star Wars-esque moment sparked numerous jokes on the interwebs, but this may just take the cake. This is a (assumedly) fake interview with Hologram Tupac that takes place at a Starbucks. He even goes on to talk about Hologram Elvis, but Ho-Pac clearly wasn't interested in what the interviewer had to say. It generally paints him as a money-hungry machine (ghost-machine?), and not a great guy (computer-spectre?) to hang about with. Whatever, the confused dude that wrote this had clearly lost it by this point.

The glaring difference between Hologram Tupac and Real Tupac was starting to rear it’s ugly head already. Of course Hologram Pac was a corporate whore. When I walked in to the Starbucks, Hologram Pac was hunched over at a table along the wall. He was easy to spot; he had a glow to him.

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