Evolution of My Ringtone: A Timeline of My Technological Embarrassments

Year: 2002

Phone: Nokia 3310

When we were growing up, we had one huge typical '90s grey block flip phone for our family. Which meant it was basically for my Dad's use, because at 14 and 12, what kind of business did my brother and I have to really attend? to Then one day while we were at the mall, we passed a Radio Shack and something came over me. Maybe it was that inspirational episode of Doug I saw that day, or the fact that I had already convinced my mom to buy me a milkshake at Johnny Rocket's but I was feeling really fucking confident. "We need a real cell phone Mom. You know, one where you could take important calls on, and one where maybe I could play a game or two on when I'm bored and one Michael can just admire but never touch," I pleaded.

I don't know what it was, but something in my speech really got to her. And that afternoon we walked away with a brand new Nokia 3310. Later, I programmed the ringtone to be "Bee," because wtf else do you program a Nokia 3310 to play when someone calls you?

Year: 2004

Phone: LG VX5200

Okay, okay, I'll admit it. I was a Dave fan. A very big Dave fan. From 2003-2007 I think I saw somewhere around 13 or 14 Dave Matthews Band concerts. To be fair though, I was from upstate New York, so when Dave was in the vicinity, you went. There really wasn't much else going on.

In 2004, I had finally gotten my own cell phone - spurred mostly by the fact that I was driving solo and I had my first job, and God knows I couldn't have my dad intercepting my important business calls. At this time, I also had my high school boyfriend and we had decided that one of our songs was (fittingly) Dave's "Satellite." By late 2004, the relationship had moved to a long-distance one, so the choice to make this my ringtone seemed logical.

In retrospect, the choice is now a little more embarrassing than it is logical, but I'm sure everyone can appreciate some cringe-worthy moments associated with your high school love, right?

Year: 2005

Phone: LG VX5200

2005 was a HUGE year for 50 Cent and that fact was certainly not lost on me or my cell phone. 50 kept the hits coming and in doing so, provided an assortment of some of my most celebrated ringtones. Sure, now 50 Cent has kind of turned into this entertaining Internet figure, more than any sort of formidable rapper, but dammit if AP English didn't get TURNT UP when I accidentally left my ringer on and "Disco Inferno" started playing, you know?

Year: 2005

Phone: LG VX5200

Here's the thing about being a girl when Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" came out: that song was your SHIT. It didn't matter if you were a No Doubt fan or not, when that song came on the radio you literally lost it. Like complete-meltdown, need-to-crank-the-volume lost it. You probably at some point had the lyrics in your AIM profile or as one of your away messages and you definitely declared it the anthem for all girls night related activities. So hell yea, this was my ringtone. Probably would still be my ringtone if I could finally figure out how to change the default ringer on my iPhone now that I upgraded to iOS 7.

Year: 2006

Phone: LG VX5200

At only 13 years old, I don't think I was able to fully appreciate "Peaches & Cream" when it first came out in 2001. But by the grace of God, something led me back to the track a few years later and naturally, I needed this to play every time someone called me. Honestly, I stand by this one. "Peaches & Cream" was a damn hit! Plus when you throw a little Puff Daddy on the remix, how can you possibly go wrong?!

Year: 2007

Phone: LG VX5200

For some reason, I became so obsessed with old school Usher during my freshman year of college that it started to become a legitimate problem. I began to lose track of what year it was, was it 1997? 2001? Oh damn, 2007? Ya'll already digested the genius that is My Way? I tried to play it during pre-games, parties, when I was studying, literally anytime I could and it was always greeted with "Um, you know Justin Timberlake just put out a new CD, right?" or "Wait, can you put on literally ANYTHING but this?"

And I conceded—a good DJ knows to cater to the requests of their audiences, after all. But my ringtone was different. That was all mine. No one could make me change it, it could play out as long as I wanted, and if I never answered I could hear it on repeat. It was glorious. God Bless myxer.com.

Year: 2008

Phone: LG VX9400

I had the fucking stupidest looking phone during my sophomore year of college. At the time I thought it was cool and futuristic but it was just straight up ridiculous and NO ONE told me. Instead everyone let me continue using it like I didn't look like a god damn fool everytime I whipped it out. The absurdity of this was only further accentuated by the fact that I had Ludacris' "Money Maker" as my ringtone for a good portion of this year. If you guys need a refresher of this Luda classic, the below are actual lyrics:

Let me give you some swimming lessons on the penis / Backstroke, breaststroke, stroke of a genius...YUPP / Call me the renaissance man / Get up and I stay harder than a cinder block man.

Year: 2009

Phone: BlackBerry Curve 8310

Soulja Boy is a damn king and I don't care what you think. That said, as a 22 year old graduating senior looking for a job, this might not have been the best ringtone option at the time.

Wait, who am I kidding? Soulja Boy is ALL about makin those hundos. This was actually really appropriate.

Year: 2011

Phone: iPhone 4

Sometimes in order to appreciate your present, you need to pay some respect to what came before. Or at least, that's the only logical explanation I can provide for why in the fuck I chose to put 2001's "Lady Marmalade" as my ringtone 10 years later. A decision all that much sadder because now Lil' Kim looks like this:

Year: 2013

Phone: iPhone 5

What?