For Santa, Forever Ago: Artists We Actually Want To Make Christmas Albums

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By Gus Turner, Confusion, & Constant Gardner

Sure, some Christmas songs are classics, but on the whole, Christmas music sucks. Maybe it's because you so closely associate it with long, awkward family dinners stuck between your Aunt who smells of brussels sprouts and your half-cousin who thinks he knows everything, or maybe you've had too many bad experiences stuck in long queues in busy stores as the same five Christmas songs play over and over again. Whatever it is, it means that even when talented artists make Christmas albums they are usually overwhelmingly disappointing.

There are, however, some artists who we'd love to make Christmas albums. These would not be albums that you'd want to play with your family, but from Bon Iver's For Santa, Forever Ago to Gucci Mane's BURR: Baby It's Cold Outside, we would be amazed if these weren't goddamn instant classics.

2. Bon Iver

3. Danny Brown

4. Marilyn Manson

Album name: Antichristmas Superstar

Do not, under any circumstances, invite your grandparents, parents, or in-laws over if Antichristmas Superstar is what you're going to be cueing up on the stereo for Christmas dinner. Marilyn Manson has never been the most approachable musician throughout the course of his career, so putting together a Christmas album wouldn't seem like the most natural pairing. But if there's one thing that Manson has gotten his kicks off of over the years, it's subverting the norm in both music and society. And what genre is more rich in conservative tradition than Christmas songs? "Santa Clause is Comin' to Town?" Not so much. Think more like "A Woodland Critter Christmas." Hail Satan!

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6. Kanye West

Album name: 'Tis the Yeezon

During Kanye West’s GOOD Friday series, he dropped one track that we've yet to see on any major release since: "Christmas in Harlem." Featuring Cam'ron, Jim Jones and Vado alongside West, Cyhi Da Prince, Pusha T, Teyana Taylor, Musiq Soulchild and Big Sean, "Christmas in Harlem" is a definitive holiday posse cut, bringing GOOD Music together with members of Dipset to spread some Christmas cheer all the way uptown. A Yeezus-style Christmas cut wouldn't make for the most palatable Yuletide fare, but not even his most ardent haters could complain if Kanye were to drop some more soulful seasonal jams à la "Harlem." Some might say that Yeezy is too much of a Scrooge to enjoy this time of year, but we'd like to think that even the coldest winter can be warmed up with some hot chocolate and (molly?) spiked egg nog.

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8. Gucci Mane

Album name: BURR: Baby It's Cold Outside

Gucci Mane has used his rapping to go from a trap house to a mansion in the course of his career, but if there's one avenue that the icy Atlanta rapper hasn't explored yet, it's singing. Giving Drake a holiday duets album would just be too easy. Plus, Christmas is supposed to be spent enjoying some quality time with your family; not moping about your ex. Instead, let Radric Davis be the one to give X-Mas a shot, taking on seasonal standards like "Baby It's Cold Outside" alongside Zooey Deschanel and hitting us with the definitive Bricksquad remix: "Chestnuts Roasting O'er An Open Waka Flocka Flame."

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10. Pusha T

Album name: Let It Snow/White Christmas: A Coke-Themed Holiday Album

What would Christmas look like through the eyes of rap's current coke kingpin, Pusha T? Well, when you consider that a bar code adorned the cover of My Name Is My Name, it's pretty easy to believe that Pusha doesn't hold any moral qualms about all the consumerism of Christmas time. Get ready for a "S.N.I.T.C.H." remix renamed "S.A.N.T.A." and substitute "gifts" in every time he makes a reference to bricks. For Pusha, the season starts on Black Friday, and doesn't end until he's sitting back on a pile of presents, like Tony Montana on a mountain of cocaine. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

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12. Lil Wayne

Album name: I Am Not a Christmas Elf, Pt. I and II

Lil Wayne is about to get a new whip this holiday season, and it's called the Lil Saint Nick. Making a song like "Rich As Fuck" might not signal the generosity and benevolence that is supposed to characterize the holiday season, but let's not be so quick to make Wayne out to be a Grinch. I Am Not a Christmas Elf would find the YMCMB rapper trading in his red bandana for an elf hat, and stamping all your favorite holiday hits with his gleeful, trademark yelps and cracking moans. And, because it's a time of giving, we've decided to forgive Weezy for playing some guitar on one of the cuts. Just one, though. We're generous. Not crazy.

Sample lyric:

Cummin' down the chimney, like ol' Saint Nick/Gimme that pussy, take this Christmas dick

13. A$AP Ferg

Album name: (Gift) Wrap Lord

If one of Santa's elves had eaten too many candy canes on Christmas morning, do you think it would sound anything like the frenetic, high-pitched growl of rising Harlem rapper, A$AP Ferg? Let's hope so, because this year, it's time for Ferg to use that energy to bring some merry holiday vibes to A$AP Mob. After all, why take a Good King Wenceslas when you could have a Wrap Lord?

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15. Jeezy

16. Nicolas Jaar

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