Choose-Your-Own-Adventure: A Guide to Lollapalooza Day 1

By Lori Trigonis

Dranks on dranks on dranks and loud music allows nights, and hell even days, to spiral out of control much too often. Weekend-long festivals can compound some of the worst decision making into the shortest period of time, can mar the musical experience you've been looking forward to for weeks. Don't worry, we're here to give you a look into your future at Lollapalooza this weekend with a step-by-step path that predicts the situations you'll find yourself in—and how to deal with them. Nobody wants to be that inebriated idiot separated from friends and hallucinating in a heatstroke 400 people deep in the screaming crowd of an artist they hate.

So let's plan ahead: Pretend it's Friday, the first day of Lollapalooza. If you stick to our map, you might even make it to the festival grounds for the first set of the day—and that's perfectly okay! It's noon on Friday, you're not at work, (Thank You Based God!) as you walk through the gates you're immediately doused in ADD and energy and must instantly choose where to begin your adventure. If you feel like easing into the crazy weekend, perhaps a nice subdued indie rock boy band, continue to Option A. If you think you'd best start off on a midi-heavy electronic note, continue to Option B. If you're still sleeping at this point, maybe pick up near Option K.

Note: For this piece do not click on the "next" and "previous" tabs at the bottom of each slide, only click on the linked options for it to work properly. Just like a Choose Your Own Adventure book that's paginated normally but must be flipped through to different sections, this story will only work if you follow the instructions. Happy adventuring!

You've found yourself at Robert DeLong's set. Yeah, we're not quite sure either. Are you enjoying it? If you want to stay on this electronic trend continue to Option D. For something more peppy and indie, try Option C.

Jump around to San Cisco. The gleeful indie pop quartet is the sound of summer and the fun outdoors, the perfect thing to ease your way into the festival. Want more? Continue to Option E. Looking to turn up, follow through to Option F.

It's still blazing daylight outside, but Keys N Krates is raging at a phenomenal level. Too much for you? Take it down a notch with Option E. Ready for more? Try Option F! Was it way too much for you? If you're tasting colors, go to Option Z.

Ahh, exhale with the Smith Westerns. Take it down a notch and unwind with this casual set of adorable songs to tone down the afternoon. If they've set you on a calmer path for the evening, continue to Option G. Have they frustrated the inner raver in you? Go for Option H.

The two darlings Icona Pop are electricity for the ears. They're most likely wearing outfits made entirely of sequins and jumping around as if they don't even notice the heat, inspiring the same dance moves to the crowd. Ready to dance on electrical lines? Follow to Option H. Need to rest your eardrums to something a bit more on the melodic side? Try Option G.

The songstress Jessie Ware's vocal are cascading all through the festival—wherever you are at the moment, just sit back and melt into the day and her electro/R&B sounds. To counteract this solemnity, continue to Option I. If you're looking to ditch your mainstream friends, try a quick outburst at Option J. If you're looking for a hip-hop scenario, try Option K.

Oh, it's Monsta. Feel free to change your mind. If you see any furry boots, quickly abandon and resort to Option G. If not, enjoy this body beating bass-heavy set. If you've lost all your friends and feel like slamming your body into the air and maybe even making out with a tree, follow your bliss down to Option I. Want to try a more alt approach to this electronica? Feel free to give Option J a try. This is also about the time the hip-hop crowd is waking up, so Option K is now available!

Dillon Francis is the man of the moment at all the raves. At least that's what my cool mom tells me. His stomach-churning moombahton and riotous antics are both more fun to watch than involve in. After this set, you have no choice, you have to go to Option L. Unless you cant blink or control any muscles in your face—if that's the case please proceed to Option Z.

The strange songbirds Crystal Castles have assumed the stage, and most likely to half of a crowd that wandered there in disoriented allusions after an onset of disorientation after their previous electronic encounter here. After their performance, you have no choice. You have to go to Option L.

The first signs of hip-hop to emerge this afternoon. Theophilus London brings his Trinidad rhymes to Chicago. After his set, you don't get to decide. You have to go to Option L.

Hooray, you're at Disclosure's set! Congratulations on preserving and pacing yourself, you're almost there for the day—and the best is yet to come. From here go directly to Option M.

This is your only option at this point. If you were previously out of commission in first-aid you will have hopefully clawed and crawled your way over by now. There is nowhere you can be but at Chance The Rapper's set at this moment. His unique sing-screech-rap and squawked ad-lib is a must-see live, and always a highlight at his sets. But after floating on some of Chance's psychedelic Acid Rap, you're presented with some closing set choices. Think quick though—the crowds are milling and filling your potential spot!

If you're looking to be a gluttonous consumer of shameless music, got to Option N.

If you're looking to reminisce and maybe do some version of rock and rolling, check in with Option O.

If you've cant decide because of the drugs and are looking for a lot of loud bleeps and bloops, maybe even a cake, go to Option P.

You're at Lana Del Rey, congratulations. This isn't that bad. It might even be a little good. So stop crossing your arms and pretending you dont like it. Come on, "My pussy tastes like Pepsi Cola"? You know you'll love it if you just let yourself. After all this languid pop though, Option Z is inevitable.

Nine Inch Nails are here, and so are your parents. Everyone needs a good chance to reminisce about the '90s every once in awhile, so eat it up and take it in. Go to town belting out all the words that have been ingrained in your memory since you were a child, alongside your equally enthused parents. Maybe this might set will even inspire you to get a commemorative tattoo—always a bad/good idea. Probably leave your parents behind for that one.

THE END

Steve Aoki is on a raft over the crowd right before he surfs back to the stage, only to climb the banisters and then drop a cake on somebody's face... all while sporting his Native American headdress no less (read: he's not American Indian). If this is still entertaining to you then perfect, we're glad you found yourself here. Feel free to wyle out.

THE END

That's it, you're done. If it's too early in the day to go home you may find yourself slumped near the kiddie stage, killing time until you can stand up again or until your friends/the paramedics find you. It's okay, we know, these things happen sometimes—you'll be back tomorrow full force.

THE END