If All Else Fails: Alternative Jobs for Musicians

The P&P staff spends so much of each day thinking about music and the artists behind it that it's often hard to look beyond artistic output and think, "I wonder what these people would be like if they weren't talented, money-making musicians?" Well, because we're a collection of inquisitive music philosophers, we found ourselves wondering: If musicians could choose other paths or were forced to take up new professions, what might they become? Through the magical gifts of Photoshop and a little ingenuity, we found the answers.

1.

2. Action Bronson - Professional Wrestler

Have you seen the size of Action Bronson? If he's not all bubbly and high, and you ran into him on the street, you would probably fear his respectable size and, even more so, his incredibly intimidating beard. We're not really thinking of UFC, though. We think that Action Bronson would be a great addition to the WWE because not only does he have moves—have you seen him take out stage-rushers?—he's got personality. His wrestling name? The Cheffonade (to chiffonade, a cutting technique, is to slice things into long, thin strips... so, you know, Bam Bam will cut you up). His move? The Meat Tenderizer (he'd just beat on you repeatedly, like he would tenderizing meat).

3.

bronsonpsychedup_4690677_GIFSoup.com_

4. Drake - High School Psychologist

To listen to Drake is to get in touch with the psyche of the Twitter generation, an ever-flowing stream of status updates, relationship problems, humblebrags, regular brags, outlandish brags, aspirations, and fears. Since Drake—or Champagne Papi, PHD, if you will—is so in touch with his own thoughts and feelings, we imagine he'd also be pretty good at diagnosing the conditions of others and helping them work through their problems one late night text at a time. The only concern: Drake might start spilling his guts mid-consultation. At very least there would be a lot of champagne.

ARE WE DRAKE'S FAKEST FRIEND?

5.

tumblr_m1x825jsnL1rovmado1_500

6. Grimes - Dragon Trainer

Grimes would definitely be a good dragon trainer, no doubt about it. Maybe it has something to do with her ethereal aura, or maybe it's her obsession with Game of Thrones. But how could someone who creates an album like Visions and dresses like this possibly not be surrounded by dragons?

7.

grimes2

8. Death Grips - Secret Agents

The world of espionage demands fearlessness, cunning, physical strength, and mental fortitude. Allegiances change quickly, lies become truths, truths become lies, and only the sharpest minds are capable of navigating the fray. Who better than major label infiltrators and general mayhem makers Death Grips to forge a new age of American tactical espionage. The duo's unpredictability, penchant for self-destruction, capacity to confuse absolutely everyone they come in contact with, and relative obscurity make them prime candidates for the world of spying, even if it's unclear what side they're on some of the time.

12 SONGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A SECRET AGENT 

9.

Death+Grips+itgoesitgoesitgoesitgoes

10. Future - Professional Bird Caller

Somewhere between “Turn on the Lights” and “Body Party,” Future perfected his off-key computer-assisted warble and, in the process, discovered auto-tune's true use: creating remarkably life-like synthetic birdcalls. If upcoming album Honest fails to further cement the budding rappa-ternt-sanga as the current king of choruses, he can always partner with the American Birding Association and usher in a new era of of man-bird relations.

11.

100841

12. Killer Mike - Preacher

If you've listened to Killer Mike's music or, particularly, if you've seen him live, you know the man is as full of passion as any rapper that grabbed a mic, a tour de force of emotion, religion, politics, and inspiration. Becoming a preacher wouldn't be so much of an alternative career for Mike; songs like “God In the Building” have been his pulpit in the past and the job would complement his current output nicely, even if he is a bit more fire and brimstone on Run the Jewels than he has been in the past. One way or another, we'll listen to Mike preach any day.

13.

34f1v5t

14. Diplo - Used Car Salesman

Diplo is one of those dudes who could get away with murder. He's not shy about being an ass. In fact, he's well aware that he's an ass. He's one of those guys who would give you a back-handed compliment, and you wouldn't even realize it because he's got that mischievous smirk on. You also know he's probably done some things that no one should be proud of, so he's a bit greasy, but dammit is he ever charming. It's true, guys: Diplo could probably convince you of and sell you anything.

15.

tumblr_lnhm0sy62w1qzg0s6o1_400

16. Young Thug - Cartoon Voice Actor

A Young Thug song is a roller coaster ride of squeaks, squeals, outlandish ad-libs, croaks, made up words, and joyously off-key singing. So who better to voice a cartoon character—or, hell, get his own animated show—than a man who already turns almost every track into his own thugged-out version of Adult Swim. Imagine the adventures of a rambunctious, mischief-causing, drug dealing squirrel as voiced by Young Thug and his sidekick, a lovable but largely unintelligible anthropomorphic ice cream cone that wears lots of diamonds and smokes too much weed, played by Gucci Mane.

Or he could just be Pikachu.

17.

View this video on YouTube

youtube.com

18. Gucci Mane - Mall Santa

It's the belly, the odd laughter, and the occasional song like "Weird" that makes his love for Christmas clear: Gucci Mane would make a spectacular Santa Claus. Whether buying kids an assortment of icy gifts or delivering Santa's trademark "ho ho ho" in his signature southern drawl, Gucci would put a welcome spin on the tired tradition of the wish-taking mall Santa Claus. And, as his belly grows, so too does his appropriateness as a new candidate for the man from the north pole. Now all that's missing is a more impressive beard.

19.

View this video on YouTube

youtube.com

20. 2 Chainz - Stand-Up Comedian

Whether you're a fan of 2 Chainz's rapping or not, you've probably caught yourself laughing at one of his absurd lines over his past few years rising from relative obscurity to GOOD Music-guided ubiquity. With a catalog chock full of one and two liners, a knack for cleverly-executed potty humor, and an endless arsenal of sex jokes, 2 Chainz makes the perfect candidate to jump from rapper to full time stand up comedian.

21.

2chainzlyrics1

22. Haim - The New Roman Furies

Being rising indie-pop starlets can grow kind of boring. Sure you collaborate with all sorts of cool artists, travel the globe, and play music in front of fans and fawning press. That's fun, but it's a bit of a grind and, really, once you've figured that game out where is there to go but down? That's why the sisters of Haim should consider an alternate career as a reinvigorated version of ancient Rome's favorite trio of sisters, the Furies. As the goddesses of vengeance, the Furies ascended from the underworld to hunt down the wicked. The Haim sisters seem like nice girls, but there has to be some latent aggression lurking under the surface that would make them fantastic murderous deities, right? I mean, you've seen their video for "The Wire" right? If nothing else, this move would keep critics on their toes.

10 GIFS THAT WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO GO TO A HAIM CONCERT

23.

tumblr_mpwgrgcLwi1s4vka6o4_500

24. James Blake - Marriage Counselor

You get the sense, from his music, that James Blake is a man who takes his time with things. He may not speak all that much, but when he does, in a calm and considered manner, pearls of wisdom undoubtedly spew forth. Blake would let the unhappy couples speak as long as they wanted to, before eventually offering softly spoken words of advice and help. Head off to see James Blake the marriage counselor and even if he can't solve all your problems, at least you'll feel calmer afterwards.

25.

tumblr_lzdxy4MPCj1ql3tvpo1_500

26. Fiona Apple - Crisis Center Counselor

When you've reached the end of your rope, chances are you might be prone to dangerous outbursts and violent spasms. It's good to have someone to talk you down, set you straight with some no-bullshit-real-talk. Enter Fiona Apple. She's a woman who chooses her words carefully, evidenced by the nearly decade-long hiatus that preceded last year's Idler Wheel... It's tough to hear the truth when you've been through hell, but if anybody's going to straighten out a soul wracked with trauma, I'd want it to be Fiona. She can out-depress anyone.

27.

tumblr_medyvrRbB01qd6180o1_500

28. Jack White - Carpenter

Jack White is a man of many, many talents. He could definitely be a welder, as Bob Dylan once taught him how to weld, and he actually worked as an upholsterer when he was a teenager. He could probably be a pro boxer, seeing how he beat the shit out of the Von Bondies guitarist in a bar fight, but his true calling would surely be as a carpenter. Jack White is a hands on man, a man who loves doing things in the traditional way, and his Third Man Carpentry company would have you covered for everything from guitars to furniture to shamanistic charms.

15 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT JACK WHITE

29.

tumblr_m834qki10i1qhrw7bo1_400_large

30. Lil B - God

Well, you can't be particularly surprised by this one. The self-proclaimed Based God has already set forth his own religion, complete with amorphous principles about universal love and fucking bitches, the latter of which, when last we checked, weren't thoroughly covered in any of the major religions. Lil B's vision for his religion is so complete in its all-encompassing positivity that certain adherents already exist across the web and, indeed, in the real world. With an active audience of willing converts at the ready, we're actually a bit surprised Lil B hasn't already made the transition from demigod to actual deity.

WHAT LIL B FANS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD

31.

tumblr_mk37mwG1H71qivoo8o1_500

latest_stories_pigeons-and-planes