1.
Today Aubrey “Drake” Graham turns 26. In Drizzy’s honor, we constructed what we imagine to be the course of events that went down as he celebrated. It involves tears, blood, DJ Khaled, and sweaters. Drake gets enough shit already, but we figured hey, it’s his birthday. And also he’s really rich. Happy birthday, Drake.
Hit “next” or click the picture to read on…
The Pregame
12:30PM Brunch. Arugula salad with walnuts, feta, and dried cranberries, toasted pita bread and edamame hummus, and an orange. A wine spritzer.
3:00PM Nap time. Shouldn’t have had that wine spritzer.
6:30PM “Damn, did I just sleep for three and a half hours? The fuck!? I need to stop havin’ those damn brunch spritzers. Peer pressure’s a motherfucker in this rap game, goddamn!”
7:30PM “Ahh, this new bodywash got Drake smelling like a motherfucking champion. Goddamn I’m about to have me an after-shower spritzer and I dare a motherfucker to try to stop me.”
“We’ll Be Fine”
8:15 PM *Dances way to closet, opens sweater drawer*
9:00PM Sweaters are strewn about the floor, dangling from bed posts, and piled up in each corner of the room. A shredded mock-neck lies in the center of the marble bathroom floor, soaked in urine. Drake is curled up next to the toilet, crying.
9:45PM Drake begins his pre-club champagne power hour.
10:00PM Drake realizes his esophagus hurts. He grabs a glass of milk to ease the pain. DJ Khaled appears from Drake’s bathroom.
“How the fuck’d you get in here?”
Khaled slaps the milk out of Drake’s hand, slaps Drake in the mouth, hands Drake a fresh bottle of champagne, shouts “WE THE BEST!” and jumps out of a window.
“Why the fuck is he always doing that?”
10:10PM Drake shrugs, pops the bottle, and drinks as he pouts in the mirror.
10:15PM Turns pout into mean mug, drawing strength from sheer will-power and Degrassi acting experience. He heads to closet, picks out shoes. The right pair of shoes makes Drake’s cool face come out. Mean mug switches to cool face – that, “I’m about to dick you down, girl” face. Except there is no girl to dick down, not within reach.
10:25PM Drake sprays himself twice with custom cologne. His cologne was made at a high-end parfum boutique in Paris, where after days of testing, they discovered that he only liked two smells. His cologne is made of lemon juice and wine spritzer. 50/50.
Feeling like a goddamn warrior king, Drake decides it’s time to go out.
“Fancy”
Arrival at the Party
11:00PM With the rosters YMCMB, MMG, and G.O.O.D Music, a cardboard cut-out of Aaliyah, two dozen owls, and the entire cast of Rick Ross’s “Hold Me Back” video behind him, Drake enters the club.
11:01PM Drake spots a man in a wheelchair off to the side of the club. He motions to a security guard and the handicapped man is promptly removed from the scene. Drake didn’t want to have to do that, but he had no choice. He can smell those Wheelchair Jimmy jokes coming from a mile away, and he’d rather not risk it—not on his birthday.
Days later, Drake will shed tears over this, wondering how his actions made that man feel. Live and learn, Drake. Live. And. Learn. L.A.L. LAL.
LAL
*Thinks of new song idea. Types lyrics into Blackberry.*
“The Motto”
11:15PM Lil Wayne daps up Drake and hands him a cup of what he thinks is lean. (Years ago, Wayne’s friends replaced his bottles of lean with bottles of an aloe-based syrup concoction. His condition didn’t show improvement, but they kept it going.) The two rappers pose for a picture. “Don’t show too much of the gums, Drake,” Drake thinks. “If you show too much of the gums, they’re gonna make fun. Hold it back, man. Stay cool.”
11:45PM A girl on molly does a hippie dance in the corner. She rubs her crotch against the corner of a black leather couch. She orgasms. On the other side of the room, Drake keeps the smiles going for a fireworks show of camera flashes. Gums on full display, Drake is quite visibly the happiest person in the room.
“Overdose on Life”
Birthday Shots! MAZEL TOV!
12:00AM 2 Chainz lines up two shots for everyone in attendance. Lil Wayne makes Drake take his. Then Rick Ross passes his to Drizzy. Nicki Minaj pours a shot on each of her ass cheeks, blinks repeatedly, and attempts to eat Drake’s head, only to be thwarted by Rozay’s stomach getting in the way. Drake is elated.
“Oh my god, everyone wants me to have such a good time,” he thinks to himself.
“Forever”
12:45AM “Guys, know what we should do?”
…
“Let’s reenact my Bar Mitzvah!”
“HYFR”
1:30AM Drake dances on the club’s stage, singing along to Aaliyah’s “More Than A Woman.”
DJ Khaled descends from the ceiling on a bungie chord, slaps Drake, puts a bottle of champagne in his hand, and flies back into the ceiling, shouting “LLLIIIISSTTTEENNN!!!!!!!!!!!” on the way up.
“Over”
After the Party It’s the After Party…
3:15AM All that champagne begins to grab control of Drake. He throws an arm around Lil Wayne’s neck and whispers, “I wanna talk to you for a second, bro, come here.”
Wayne glances back at bevy of strippers swinging tassels from their nipples with a look of deep worry. Behind the DJ booth, Drake thanks Wayne profusely for all his help. “Really, bro, I just… I can’t thank you enough. It’s like you believed in me and nobody believed in me. But YOU – you believed in me.” Wayne nods without making eye contact.
“Can we just,” Drake asks, “be like blood brothers?”
“Huh?”
“You know, like cut our hands and mix our blood together.”
“Listen, you pussy ass motherfucker. I put you on like, ‘Drake next, he the best’ and you’re still sittin’ in front of me with that gummy ass smile and asking—honestly asking—if we can cut our hands open and mix our blood? What the fuck is wrong with you, Drake? This is why we can’t have nice things. No, we can’t cut our goddamn hands open and mix blood. This motherfucker.”
Wayne’s eyes have never looked less vacant. He pulls the bottle away from Drake and walks off.
“Successful”
3:20AM Drake pulls out his Blackberry.
“Marvin’s Room”
The Morning After
11:45AM Drake awakens, startled, in a puddle of vomit, coconut water, and unopened flavored condoms. He checks his Blackberry–no call back from Ri Ri.
He shoots her a text: “When I said u can do better, it was just a suggestion lol. So wat u doin 2nite?”
DJ Khaled walks into Drake’s living room wearing one of Drizzy’s bathrobes and slaps the phone out of his hand. No words. He simply clenches his jaw, shakes his head, and leaves.
12:00PM Wallowing in a brutal hangover, only one thing can cure what ails Drake. He reaches for his iPod.
Aaliyah – “I Care For You”
