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Remember when Teairra Mari was singing about not having a daddy around when she was growing up? It’s a shame only roughly seven of y’all gave a fuck ‘cause she ultimately found herself dropped from her label and tossed into the same R&B cage now home to other lost songbirds like Gina Thompson, Mona Lisa, and Amerie with the extra “I.” And yet, mere minutes into the series premiere of Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood, Teairra swears she is fighting to get people to see that she still “eats and breathes music.” Maybe, but so far Teairra’s menu looks less focused on studio time and more centered on a diet of beef and brown liquor.

As Tearria explained to publicist-turned-rapper (this is Los Angeles, in a nutshell) Hazel-E, the roommate she hasn’t seen in forever ‘cause she’s been “house sitting,” she is still reeling from the fallout of her relationship with Ray J. I know what you’re thinking: Who still obsesses over Ray J in 2014? Short answer is Detroit birds with clipped wings. In any event, Teairra and Ray have been dating “off, on, and on for nine years.” That is, until she “saw them hoes’ pictures in his phone”—resulting in Ray J subsequently being “caught with a right hook.” Ray J’s assistant substantiated those remarks by reminding Ray, who invited Teairra to his blog launch party, that she is good for fighting after drinking one too many.

Ray doesn’t care because, like Peter Gunz and Stevie J before him, he’s a serial dater and overall egomaniac who feeds off of the attention. Before Teairra acts up at Ray J’s blog party, the two meet up in a parking lot—probably because Ray might need witnesses for police statements that may need to be filed. She wanted to let Ray J know just how much he hurt her. Plus, she would like the expensive bag he bought her back. She didn’t get it last night, but upon arriving to Ray’s party, Ray’s new girl informed her that she went into the bag and snapped shots of its contents, which included Vagisil. Teairra threw a drink at her, though it was likely just ice, as I doubt she’d waste alcohol.

Ray said he had to end his relationship with Teairra because it was “toxic” due to her violence. As wrong as it is for a man to attack a woman, it’s equally wrong for someone like Tearria Mari to not only boast about swinging on Ray J, but threatening to do it again. That’s how people–male or female–end up knocked out. Still, she’s certainly one big ball of emotions and that makes for good TV.

While it remains to be seen if Teairra Mari will manage to pull a K. Michelle and use this VH1 attention to cultivate a musical comeback, a star is born all the same. Already, I can see a future episode of Iyanla, Fix My Life featuring Teairra Mari. Close your eyes and envision the yelling, beloveds.

Keeping with the theme of crazy women, meet Moniece Slaughter, Lil’ Fizz’s baby mama. Wait, he’s just Fizz now. Respect. Anyhow, Moniece doesn’t have custody of the child they share together because she’s batshit crazy and a lil’ violent. Crazy as in he had to file a restraining order against her after she allegedly tried to slam a baby seat into his car window. She doesn’t even know where Fizz lives, but I mean, can you blame him when the woman says things like “I’ve been playing it cool since he likes to throw restraining orders around?” And she delivers that line in the confessional with such a calm in her eyes that I can’t help but think she is Hannibal Lecter with a Malaysian weave.

Fizz has a new bae in his life, though, so expect future altercations between those two in the future. By the way, Moniece–an apparent singer-songwriter–is trying to launch a line of heated dildos. Ladies, if you want your coochies to catch a 107-degree fever, Moniece got you.

Then there is Omarion’s mama, Ms. Leslie, who is beefing with Omarion’s pregnant girlfriend Apryl. Why? Well, ever since Apryl’s uterus offered a short-term lease to some fetus, her son stopped coming off those funds for her the way he used to. It’s like an Oedius complex having an orgy with old R&B girl group songs about men needing to pay to play.

Like many men, Omarion won’t get his mama together. You should always be grateful and respectful to the person whose vagina provided you an escape route to the world; however, if she’s soiling the relationship with the woman whose vagina you enjoy taking field trips in, you best check your mom.

Ms. Leslie used to do hair for the likes of Stevie Wonder, R. Kelly, and Kirk Franklin, but after getting sick, she needed help covering the bills and hospital stays. Hopefully she’s getting a check for this show or finds some new aging Black men to add to her clientele. Where are you, Jermaine Jackson?

By the way, while catching up with his former B2K band mate at the barbershop, Omarion complained about fans only talking to him about the group’s music as opposed to his solo material. He quipped, “You don’t remember ‘Icebox,’ ‘Entourage,’ you don’t remember ‘Touch.’” Omarion can’t really sing remarkably well, but he does have some quality solo material. Give him a break on “Bump, Bump, Bump,” y’all.

Lastly, there’s Soulja Boy, who is dating Teddy Riley’s daughter. She has a one-year-old and the two are talking about moving in together. Soulja Boy playing step-daddy: What could go wrong?

So that’s week one and judging from this 40 solid minutes of one clusterfuck after another, I anticipate great things in the worst way from this cast. Peace and no yeast infections to y’all. Until next week.

Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick