It’s a mystery how Kirk’s head isn’t already sitting on top of some totem pole on Peachtree Street as a symbolic warning to trifling men living in the Atlanta metropolitan area not to allow their “Fuck Up” quotient to get too high…or else. There are people online who don’t know Rasheeda but are willing to go upside her husband’s head for no other reason than he deserves it. I’m not sure if that’s what Michelle Obama meant when she pushed for Americans to volunteer more, but I’m touched by the gesture all the same.
I do not know Rasheeda. But I'd be MORE THAN HAPPY to run up on her fuckboy husband and slump him on her behalf. Free of charge.
But really, if we’ve had enough of Kirk, why hasn’t Rasheeda?
If nothing else, though, at least she tried to take a temporary break from her husband by way of a girl’s trip with Kaleena and Karlie Redd to New Orleans. The trip started off a little rocky—with Karlie Redd having a show and tell featuring the dicks of Benzino and Yung Joc. She then asked if she should upload the pictures online in order to put Benzino on full blast.
You know, as a pterodactyl, Karlie Redd should know by now when to not let her feathers flap. And hell, I’m sitting at my desk now thinking about hot sauce and French fries to go with all this bird chatter. In any event, Benzino would go on to tell Stevie J that Karlie photoshopped his “beefcake.” Men, don’t ever try to recycle this lie. No good will come from it. Go with “I’m a grower” instead. It's a far more legitimate response than “Adobe did it.” Moreover, unless we’re talking about Brutus the Barber, how about we remove beefcake from our lexicons, especially when discussing our dicks.
Meanwhile, while Rasheeda and her girls were out eating po’boys and drinking hand grenades, Kirk was trying to bond with Rasheeda’s mama, Shirleen, who clearly wants to cut out Kirk’s eyes like the serial killer on The Following. After what seemed like six minutes of trying to make nice, Kirk and Shirleen get into it once again over Shirleen kissing her grandbaby, which resulted in Kirk essentially mushing her. I’m surprised Shirleen didn’t take off her earrings and beat Kirk to the white meat then and there. Alas, maybe she doesn’t want the baby to see blood until he’s at least five. I find that reasonable, don’t you?
After Shirleen made a quip about Kirk finally claiming his baby, he blurted out that it was only after he administered a DNA test, prompting Shirleen to call Rasheeda and effectively ruin her daughter’s vacation. Earlier in the episode, before heading to New Orleans, Rasheeda said, “I better not get no calls from my mama.” Sorry, girl.
Kirk then went to New Orleans to “find” Rasheeda (thank you, production crew, for the set up) and clear the air. Rasheeda cried while rocking Smurfette’s favorite lipstick as Kirk offered his version of 1990s R&B boy group pleading to give him another chance. At this point, Rasheeda, you’re like that friend who after a while you just have to tell, “Yeah, good luck with that man, but don’t tell me about no more.”
Keeping with the theme of awful men, upon word of Stevie J’s recent arrest for owing more than a $1 million in back child support, every Stevie J scene screams, "Oh, but you can't pay child support?" After being exposed for having random bootyholes in his phone, Stevie attempted to woo Joseline back by asking her to join him in a bubble bath in her bra and panties. Uh, romance?
Joseline jumped in after a while, but in the confessional, delivered a monologue that had to have been inspired from similar ones Mimi delivered about Stevie back in the 1990s.
And sine I brought up her name, I might as well say it two more times—Mimi! Mimi!—and let the Bettlejuice portion of the recap get to poppin’.
Mimi quizzed Nikko about Benzino’s girlfriend and his apparent ex, Althea. Ever judgmental, Mimi threw her usual brand of shame towards Althea. Mimi is like the stripper who insists she's better than her co-workers because she calls herself an exotic dancer.
Then there’s Nikko who continues to come across as the third runner up for the fifth spot of Dru Hill. Funny enough, while having lunch with someone who served as a music exec for decades, I found out that Nikko did in fact have a record deal back in the 1990s. Obviously, he never got the chance to get his Tony Thompson on, but doesn’t that explain so much of his behavior on this show?
Mimi is like the stripper who insists she's better than her co-workers because she calls herself an exotic dancer.
In a separate scene, Mimi confronted Nikko over “bitches kissing over yo’ neck” after finding lipstick on his t-shirt. This made her question his loyalty as if she didn’t already have a dozen clues on needing to draw that conclusion now. She asked him if he leaked the porn and he said, “Why would I do that?” The answer to that question starts with “For bookings, email…”
Mimi, get over Stevie J already because you’re not going to win with Nikko, who is the LFO to Stevie J’s *NSYNC.
When I think about real love on this show, I look to Scrappy and Erica. It’s a shame that Momma Dee was that couple’s chastity belt. The two talked about her problems with new bae, O’Shea. She wasn’t as detailed about the root of their rift as she was with Ariane earlier.
Basically, O’Shea is the dude Destiny’s Child sang about in “Bills, Bills, Bills”—particularly the “Trackmasters Remix” of the song. Erica described him as having “no ambition” and explained to Ariane, “A woman can only hand over her credit card so many times.”
After having a fight over her meeting with Scrappy, O’Shea left, only to find himself stuck on the road after running out of gas. Erica kept it funky: “This here is exactly what the problem is. His ass can't even make a dramatic exit without my help.”
More Erica Dixon, please.
Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.
