Although she could never fill the fruit wine cooler-colored wig of K. Michelle, there are some similarities between Kaleena and the Memphis-bred R&B singer. They both seem like the type of girls who can jump a gate, and as K. Michelle once warned, you never want to mess with a girl who knows how to jump gates. Both are good for the one liner. And as we learned last night, the two women share dual memberships in #dicktoobomb and Cat Trap Nation.
Most of all, similar to K. Michelle, Kaleena is no rookie to music. Beyond her time as the Kima of Diddy-Dirty Money, Kaleena released the painfully ignored mixtape Chamber of Diaries, which showed Kaleena had far more to offer the world as an artist than a mere resemblance to Estelle. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why Kaleena fizzled away despite the ample amountof evidence that she deserve to join the Tribe of Lost Bad Boy Acts.
Thank you, VH1, for solving the riddle.
While Kaleena’s husband was pushing her to get her album together—and, you know, make this whole reality show thing work for them—Kaleena was more interested in smacking the ass cheeks of her homie, lover, friend, Ashley. We learned about this special friend while Kaleena shopped with Karlie Redd for "the Cadillac of all mattresses." Kaleena explained that Ashley helped her deal with her bisexuality. So much so that she went on to say, “It’s always been my dream to have a wife and a husband.”
Not all dreams are possible, though, leaving Kaleena to find contentment with having a “best friend with a fat ass, that’s beautiful [and] smiles [and] is pretty.” And well, one you can fuck every now and again to your husband’s delight. Karlie approved Kaleena and her husband for “keeping it hot and sexy” and went on to show that she is bi-curious.
Whether or not this curiosity was spurred by a genuine interest in smooching a different set of lips or Karlie just shooting for more screen time is up to you to decide.
Kaleena should’ve been more focused on finishing up her music so she can finally get the attention her talent deserves. Like, do these people not realize what K. Michelle did with her time on Love & Hip Hop besides make fun of the elderly and alleged closeted gay men? Nevertheless, I promise to dap Kaleena on sight for tricking her husband into thinking he was going to get a threesome out of Kaleena’s little escape from the world of heteronormativity. Kaleena and Ashley told that dude to go wash the dishes while they go have a play date.
Love & polyamory, y’all.
While Kaleena was upping her body count in the present, we heard a lot about the past of Benzino’s new boo thang, Althea. I should’ve known last night’s episode of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta would be on some foolishness (well, besides the obvious reasons) when it kicked off with Althea in the studio. Leave it to Joseline to openly question whether or not Althea ever had a record deal by quipping in her confessional, “Bitch just might be a groupie hanging out in the studio smashing producers.” This is funny, but only because Joseline is the one saying it. We love you, Puerto Rican Princess, but we know how you got your studio time.
The irony continued as Joseline, whose musical hits are only the smacks she got on her ass as a stripper, had the nerve to play the role of music snob with Althea. Fix it, Jesus. Minutes later, the ex-prostitute and stripper proceeded to engage in what is known as slut shaming. Fix it, Bishop Don Juan.
Joseline, I love you so-so-so much, but you’ve got some nerve trying to clown someone’s musical talent considering you’re on that Helen Keller en Espanol flow. Expect Joseline to try and go Floyd Mayweather on someone next week after discovering that Althea slept with Stevie J once upon a time. Yes, that means Althea has bedded Nikko, Stevie J, and Benzino—making it clear that her taste levels could stand to be rinsed out with some white vinegar.
At one point, Althea said with a smirk, "Yeah, I messed around, but not with athletes and rappers—with execs.” Like that makes it better. Either way, you’re now with Benzino so…shut it down, sis.
Speaking of bad taste, Mimi had a meeting with the two opportunists in her life, Nikko and her new manager, Dawn. Mimi professed her anxiety about the release of the porn (to their dismay), noting, “That’s why it’s important to me to trust and rely on Nikko.” How you gon’ win when you ain’t right within, Mimi?
The only sensible person in Mimi’s life appears to be Ariane, who apparently isn’t around Mimi as much as she used to be. Mimi is that friend who is always on some bullshit and demands your attention for all nine million of her personal offenses. Then, when you finally get around her, she doesn’t want to really hear what you have to say because the truth stings.
Ariane asked Mimi if when it comes to the men in her life, has she noticed a pattern? Mimi’s response was, “I just like what I like.” And when it came to Nikko’s sneaky ways, Mimi asks, "How can I not believe the man I love?" Uh, ‘cause the men you love lie to you all of the time. Final Jeopardy: When you gon’ get off the bullshit?
Ariane confronted Nikko, and like most men who prey on weak-minded women, claimed that Ariane was the one being disloyal to Mimi. Ariane makes too much sense on this show. No wonder we don’t see her much anymore.
Next week Benzino’s mama dies. See you at the funeral where Benzino gets shot.
P.S. Yes, Rasheeda, I noticed you were around, but since you’ve forgiven Kirk, I’m not speaking to you right now.
Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.
