The 20 Most Ridiculous Christmas Records

Who thought these Yuletide releases were a good idea? Looks like somebody's been drinking too much egg nog.

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Image via Complex Original
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Christmess

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20. Various Artists A Midnight Christmas Mess (1984)

Back in 1984 the New York label Midnight International put out a compilation of holiday-themed music by a bunch of local garage bands like the Cheepskates, The Tryfles, and The Suburban Nightmares. They slapped on some grotesque cover art and called the whole thing, appropriately enough, A Midnight Christmas Mess.

Cabbage Patch

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19. Various Artists A Cabbage Patch Christmas (1984)

Back in 1976 an art student named Xavier Roberts began selling these lumpy dolls with their own "adoption papers" and "birth certificates" and started a multimillion-dollar craze. Eight years later, evil toy conglomerates were still making mad paper from Cabbage Patch mania. And no spinoff product was more annoying than this country-and-western-tinged 1984 release, produced by none other than the great Harry Chapin's brothers, Steve and Tom. Bonus points for making Colonel Casey the Cabbage Patch delivery stork sound like an escapee from Uncle Tom's Cabin.

Charo

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18. Charo "(Mamacita) Donde Esta Santa Claus?" (1978)

People get the wrong idea about María Hernandez, aka Charo. She's a bubbly, uninhibited, classically trained guitarist who's been blessed with an abundance of natural gifts. So why all the hate? Is it because she wears red panties in the snow? Or maybe it's the whole "cuchi-cuchi" catchphrase. Whatever the reason, we wish people would just leave her alone so she can concentrate on doing what she does best—recording unlistenable tracks like this 1978 nugget "Mama—Where Is Santa Claus?"

Stars

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17. Various Artists Christmas In The Stars (1980)

The Force was defintely with British Actor Anthony Daniels (the voice of C-3PO), who sings and narrates this story about how droids have replaced Santa's elves in the toy factory. This 1980 album (now out of print) also includes the first recording by Jon Bon Jovi. Back when he was named John Bongiovi he sang the lead on "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas."

Claymation

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16. Various Artists Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)

This truly awful soundtrack goes with an extra-cheesy 1987 CBS special produced and directed by Oscar-winner Will Vinton, who should have known better. Dinosaur buddies Rex and Herb intro the doo-wop camels singing "We Three Kings" while the California Raisins sing "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer." 

Batman

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15. Various Artists Exciting Christmas Stories (1987)

This 1987 banger from Peter Pan Records features superheroes singing all the holiday hits. Don't miss Batman and Robin's rendition of "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer."

The Giants

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14. The New York Giants "Holiday Halftime" (1969)

Back in 1969—almost two decades before the "Superbowl Shuffle"—players from all the NFL teams recorded an album of Christmas music. Warning: repeated listenings of the Giants "Holiday Halftime" have been shown to cause long-term brain damage. 

Xmess

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13. Various Artists It's Midnight Xmess III (1987)

Midnight Records's "Xmess" series makes their second appearance on the list with the third volume of their compilation. The music is still mostly forgettable, but we just can't shake the image of a drunken Santa (with X-rated Xmas card on the mantle) chopping off Rudolph's head so he can cook up some Yuletide stew.

JewishXmas

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12. Ray Brenner & Barry E. Blitzer Have A Jewish Christmas? (1967)

Such a happy cover. Such a heavy question. This album wrestles with the age-old dilemma that "It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas." TV comedy writers Ray Brenner and Barry E. Blitzer (Sergeant Bilko, Gomer Pyle) offer skits like the one where the Rabbi asks, "What's Christmas?" Narrator: "Christmas, you know, the holiday that celebrates the birth of Christ." The Rabbi answers, "Who?" The record also featuring the comedic talents of Lennie Weinrib, the voice of H.R. Pufnstuf.

JohnnyApollo

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11. Various Artists Johnny Apollo's Christmas (1982)

You can find a sleighload of Johnny Apollos on the internet these days, but none of them are this guy.  The record is a three-band compilation by The Rockaways, the Snapshots and Regina Richards from 1982. Regina had a hit in the late 80s, “Baby Love.” The cover art looks like a cut-rate Duran Duran illustration, and gives us the heebie-jeebies.

KingDiamond

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10. King Diamond "No Presents For Christmas" (1985)

After their old group Merciful Fate broke up, the Danish heavy-metal band King Diamond launched their career with this disturbing 1985 single. Forget the heebie jeebies, King Diamond is straight-up frightening. 

Latin Express Band

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9. Latin Express Band Alegre Y Bailable De Navidad (1991)

Nothing says Christmas like Tejano and Mariachi music delivered by a hot chica on a Jet-Ski.

Neckbreakers

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8. The Swingin' Neckbreakers "Santa Claus Ain't Comin' This Year" (1999)

We're actually not mad at this 1999 release from the hard-driving New Jersey garage band, but the image of Santa flipping the bird is sure to ruin a few kids' lives. Thanks guys.

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7. Max Headroom "Merry Christmas Santa Claus (You're A Lovely Guy)" (1987)

Max Headroom was a freaky British artificial intelligence character with a distorted electronic voice that made him sound as if he just snorted an eight-ball and chain-smoked a carton of Newports. He always appeared on a TV screen and actually had his own TV show during the mid 1980s. His Christmas record was even worse than his commercials for the "new" Coke, and we all know how well that turned out.

Luke

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6. Various Artists "Christmas At Luke's Sex Shop" (1994)

The same year Luke won his big Supreme Court decision over his X-rated parody of "Pretty Woman," the unofficial mayor of Miami celebrated by dropping an X-rated Christmas album. What can you say about tracks like "Ho Hoe Hoes" and "2 Live Christmas"? Re-dick-u-lous.

RainbowBrite

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5. Various Artists, Rainbow Brite Christmas (1985)

Throughout Western civilzation visionary artists have given us their best approximation of what hell must be like. Painters from Hieronymous Bosch to William Blake created visual representations of eternal damnation and unimaginable suffering. In classical music, we have Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain, Tchaikovsky's Francesca da Rimini as well as Liszt's Dante Symphony. In the modern era Hallmark Inc. has given us this.

Bass Xmas

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4. Various Artists, A Merry Bass Christmas (1994)

Back in '94, before he went by the name Jim Jonsin, produer Jealous J and his label Dynamix cooked up the world's first Christmas album of bass music. Mercifully it was also the last.

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3. Gloria Leonard "High Society's Gloria Leonard Opens Her Holiday Gift Box and Talks To You"  (1979)

You may remember adult-film actress Gloria Leonard's stint as publisher of the hardcore High Society magazine or her work in classic pornos like The Opening of Misty Beethoven and Taboo: American Style. Here she broke the taboo against porn stars cutting Christmas records. Makes a perfect stocking stuffer.

Kico

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2. Kico, Christmas With Kico (1992)

Not a face you would like to see Christmas morning: Sleepy eyes, sky-blue eyebrows, soaring vocals, and the best Yugoslavian Christmas album you’ll ever hear.

RudyRayMoore

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1. Rudy Ray Moore, Merry Christmas Baby (1971)

It was only a matter of time before the late-great actor/singer/comedian who starred in the 1975 pimp-flick Dolemite dropped a Christmas album. His two-part "Night Before Christmas" is as nasty as you want it to be, while "Health Department" is all kinds of wrong. When the album was later reissued as This Ain't No White Christmas, the new label had the good sense to use the same cover art. But there are so many unanswered questions: Where are these ladies now? And what is that tree made of?

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