What To Spend Money On

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If you’re a regular Complex reader, chances are you drop a sizable chunk of your meager, hard-earned paycheck on concert tickets, weed, sneakers, and whatever garment onto which Supreme most recently smacked its logo. In other words, you might not have this whole spending money responsibly thing down.

But who can blame you? Success is a lifestyle (I read that on a poster once), and women don’t sleep with guys whose mothers still buy their clothes (I heard that from my mother once). But while staying consistently fashion-forward each day ain’t cheap, nobody’s going to care what you’re wearing when you collapse from starvation. In other words, maybe it’s time to reexamine some of the non-essentials.

Do you own more than 10 polo shirts, despite being neither a professional golfer nor a Saudi prince? Do you go drop hundos on decorative candles? (There are literally 8 articles on this website about candles.) Are you saving up for a Yeezy crewneck instead of eating breakfast? Did you spend a month’s rent on a Canada Goose jacket? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to give yourself a long hard look in the mirror. And then keep reading.

Look, I’m not here to judge. I spend more money at Starbucks every year than I put into my savings account. My most recent Amazon Prime purchase was Nevertheless: A Memoir by Alec Baldwin. My spending habits make Kanye appear frugal, and he once spent $350K to have a people paint a massive ceiling mural in his home depicting him ascending to the heavens, carried in the arms of an angel. On second thought, that sounds like a pretty good purchase, but I digress.

Start with this list for some suggestions regarding how to spend money on things other than booze and clothes for once. Or don’t. What do I know? I dress like the grumpy upstairs neighbor from a '90s sitcom.

Bitcoin/Cryptocurrency

I don’t know anything about bitcoin, but you definitely need to buy the fuck out of these shits. Just take your life savings, put all your eggs in one basket, and sit back while the $50 you would have spent on Just Salad this week gets multiplied 50 times, or whatever bitcoin does. You count the profits while the internet does all the work for you. That’s how it works, right? Brilliant.

Student Loans

Congratulations, you did it! You finally graduated with that liberal arts degree! The world is your oyster—and by the world, I mean the roughly four blocks between your apartment and that neighborhood you probably shouldn’t walk around alone in unless you’re buying drugs.

Seriously though, you better do something about that crippling debt before things get so bad you need to supplement your income writing listicles.

A Nicer Apartment

Living directly above a 24-hour diner probably isn’t the best look if you’re trying to get laid. Then again, sex with you might smells a lot like bacon grease anyway, so maybe your partners won’t notice.

Your Ride

Cars break down all the time and every mechanic on the planet is a snake oil peddling highway robber. Since you’re inevitably going to have to pay a shitload of money, you might want to set a little aside in advance for this kind of situation. Or you could buy a 32-inch subwoofer for your 1999 Mitsubishi Lancer—you do you, bro.

Condoms

No one really "likes" condoms, but you know what’s worse than a condom? STD's. Also: You. Just look at yourself. Do you really want a bunch of little you’s running around throwing up everywhere and saying obnoxious garbage that everyone pretends is funny just so its feelings don’t get hurt? Yeah, think about that next time you repeat that line from Billy Madison for the 1000th time. Plus, kids are expensive, and you know, we're trying to get your money in line here.

Running Shoes

I don’t understand for the life of me why people spend so much money on gym memberships. Put on a pair of running shoes, go outside, and the whole entire world is your Equinox. The only membership cost is the potential to be crippled for life when you get run over by a car. Small price to pay, I say.

Real Estate

If stocks aren’t your thing, real estate investments are always an option. Just think, the next time somebody asks you what you do, you could say, “I invest in real estate in my spare time.” I mean, I guess you could make money with this, too, or whatever.

Fancy Restaurants

If you’re on a first name basis with the waitresses at Applebee’s, it’s probably time to think about trying something a little classier. Pommes frites? Don’t mind if I do. (They’re just French fries that come in a fancy little cone, but don’t let that stop you from sticking your pinky out like you’re on Downton Abbey).

Your Bar Tab

What’s the point of having nice gear if you don’t have the money to go show it off at a bar or club? While you’re there, you may want to pay for drinks for girls who have absolutely no intention of ever talking to you again. If you don’t budget your cash well, you might not have anything left to pay for your own.