Signs That You're Not Relationship Goals

Image via Getty/Martin Barraud

When you fall for someone, you choose to love who they are in that moment. You can hope that they'll grow into the person you want them to be, but you still have to love and appreciate who they are right this second, too. If you’re not into who they are now, you're either holding them to impossible standards, or you’re simply not into them.

Throw the crazy standards out. Love people as they are. Encourage their growth. Push them to see more of what’s possible.

So, you’re still keeping people on the back burner if things don’t work out, huh? You may think that keeping your options open is a good plan, but it actually means you’re not totally invested.

If you lack strong feelings for your partner, then get real with yourself. But if you’re just scared to fully commit (or there’s another reason you like being semi-available), rectify your behavior. It’s selfish to be in a relationship, while still making sure none of your exes or almosts or maybes forget about you. 

“The grass is greener where you water it”  is an annoying cliché for a reason—because it's true.

Water your own grass. Stop looking at other people’s relationships or lives, and assume they’re better than yours; it's a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction. Relationships require time and effort. You wouldn’t expect to further your career without investing time and energy into it. The same goes for relationships. They have to be cultivated; they can’t be put on autopilot.

Also, if you’re spending all of your time fantasizing about what could be, you’re doing absolutely nothing to make the present as good as it could be.

The best way to push your commitment issues into the open is by forcing the other person to make that decision for you. This is most commonly done by subconsciously picking a fight, so you find your way out of a tough spot. Not being fully committed to your relationship is stressful, mostly because anything can make you indecisive about whether or not you should stay or go. Being in that in-between space causes a lot of anxiety. 

Please don’t do this. It’s the absolute worst way to break up because you'll eventually realize that you caused the split and go back to being indecisive. Break up or commit fully—those are the only two options.

If you’re stuck in a loop of your own indecision, it’s time to take action. Sure, it’s cool to have some questions and doubts, but being riddled with indecisiveness may be an indication of the following:

1. You’re not as into your partner as you want to be.

2. You’re not ready to commit to anyone.

3. You’re into your partner and you want to commit, but you’re scared.

Any one of these things are fine, but be honest with yourself, then get to the root of the issue. Dig deep. Don’t just accept things as they are. Being indecisive in this circumstance is awful, and puts your entire relationship in limbo. It’s not a great way to treat your partner, and moreover, it’s not a great way to treat yourself.

If you expect your partner to change without working on self-growth yourself, understand that you're holding them to an impossible task. Relationships require effort—on both sides. So, if you’re dictating what needs to be changed without ever analyzing your own behavior, you’re showing a lack of interest in who your partner is.

Take a look at yourself. See where you can change. See what you can bring to the relationship. Commit if you say you’re committed, or leave if you don’t want to. Honor your word. Choose to be all in, or go all out. Just pick a damn side.