Open Relationship Rules: How To Make It Work

All relationships have rules, even non-traditional ones. Find out what an open relationship means, the rules, guidelines, & more.

Relationship
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Relationship

When it comes to sex and relationships, we as a society have progressed greatly from the relationship rules set by our parents' generation. But despite that progress, open relationships are still often met with a raised eyebrow; the thought process seems to be that the sole purpose of relationships is to fall in love

At Temptations, a balmy, picturesque sex resort in Cancún, I met a great number of couples exploring their sexuality with like-minded individuals. Throughout the visit, I found that open couples, swingers, and similar non-monogamous unions are as authentic as any other relationship in terms of their bond. Ground rules that prioritize safe sex, partners' feelings, and set boundaries make these relationships refreshingly modern and exceptionally honest.

A study conducted by the University of Michigan analyzed the relationships of 2,000 people and found absolutely no difference between monogamous and consensual open relationships in terms of relationship satisfaction and love. What they did find were lower levels of jealousy and higher levels of trust among those engaged in committed open relationships. The team also found that an individual in an open relationship had more satisfaction, trust, commitment, and love in their primary mate than in their extramarital relationship.

Of course, there are some disadvantages. People in open relationships  were found to be significantly less satisfied with and less committed to their relationship than their monogamous counterparts. “Overall, the outcomes for monogamous and consensual non-monogamous (CNM) participants were the same, indicating no net benefit of one relationship style over another,” researchers concluded.

If the idea of open relationships appeals to you (as it does to many), it’s important to enter the lifestyle responsibly. To ensure this happens, Complex spoke with three accredited relationship experts to share their best open relationship rules and guidelines.

Create A Rule Book

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Like any relationship, open unions don’t follow stringent guidelines. But when venturing into non-traditional territory, something like a rule book is more necessary than not. “Set the ground-rules for what actions and behaviors are allowed and disallowed under your open arrangement,” Courtney Clemen, founder of The V. Club, tells Complex. “It’s very important to think through all the scenarios and circumstances that could arise.” Couples should have a crystal clear understanding of what they are permitting each other to do, because the concept of sex is a broad spectrum and what’s OK and what’s not is subjective. Having agreeable rules ultimately minimizes feelings of insecurity, fear, and jealousy that can arise in an open relationship.

Share The Details

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Don’t keep any sexual encounter a secret. It’s important that you never hide anything from your partner once you’ve initiated an open relationship—though explicit details should probably be spared. “It might sound counterintuitive, but being open about your sexual exploits could help minimize jealousy,” Clemen explains. In open relationships, jealousy typically arises when one partner suspects the other partner is developing feelings toward their paramours. “If you are open about the details of your sexual exploits, your partner will know that it’s just sex, without any feelings involved,” she adds.

Don't Rush Things

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The decision to alter the stakes of your relationship shouldn’t be taken lightly, so there is no need to sprint into the lifestyle. “If this is your first time considering changing your relationship status to ‘open,’ don’t rush into making the final decision,” Clemen advises. “Take a timeout for a week or two in order to give yourselves time to digest the idea.” A general rule of thumb is to not act on the decision until the concept of an open relationship starts to feel like a practical reality rather than a sexual fantasy.

Make It A Joint Decision

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Among heterosexual couples, men are the more likely gender to initiate the idea of an open relationship, so it’s important to make sure the female partner is actually interested and comfortable with an open arrangement. “It might sound strange, but some women agree to try an open relationship only to show their male partner that an open arrangement won’t be as great as he thinks it might be,” Kate Lubimova, co-founder of The V. Club, mentions.

Educate Yourself

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These outside experiences should ultimately benefit the core relationship, so it’s wise to share your sexual exploits to learn new methods and techniques to practice with your partner. You should ultimately use these experiences to better your own bond in the bedroom and out. In fact, in order for an open arrangement to thrive, it’s imperative that you do. Lubimova warns an open relationship could be in serious trouble if a partner uses their sexual exploits as their primary source of sexual satisfaction and doesn’t experience sexual satisfaction in their relationship.

Keep Things Separate

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“An open relationship gives couples the freedom of sexual choice,” Lubimova begins. “However, be careful about getting too involved in the lives of your new paramours or involving them in yours.” Meeting each other’s friends or parents could lead to awkward moments when it’s time to explain how you know each other and what the future holds for you. It can also complicate things and become a breeding ground for jealousy.

Ask Yourself, "Why?"

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Perhaps most important of all, you and your partner should figure out why you think an open relationship is necessary. “What’s the intention?” Deanna Cobden, relationship expert and dating coach asks. “Talk about why you want this kind of relationship. Is there an unmet need or issue of some kind that you think can only be met outside of your relationship?” It’s imperative that you address this issue first, otherwise your relationship could crumble.

Schedule Check-Ins

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Getting caught up in the inherent ecstacy of an open relationship is a very easy thing to do, so it’s important to schedule regular check-ins with your partner to see how the other is feeling about the relationship. These don’t have to feel like one-on-one therapy sessions, though. Go casual. Make a date out of it. Grab some dinner and drinks, discuss what’s working and what’s not. “Manage your expectations as you go along, and check in with your partner,” Cobden councils. “It’s impossible to really know how you’re going to feel as the relationships progress or anticipate every issue—don’t be afraid to renegotiate your wants and needs as they come up.”

Ignore The Outside Opinions

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Open relationships aren’t the norm (not yet, anyway), which means some people won’t accept or understand it. But if it feels right to you and your partner, that’s all that matters. “We all see the world through our own unique filter, and monogamy is the norm in our society,” Cobden shares. “Most people don’t trust or will make assumptions about topics that they only have a limited amount of information on.”

Do You

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Open relationships are exciting. As long as you follow the rules provided and prioritize your partner’s feelings, then there’s no reason not to continue exploring this new and exciting take on relationships.

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