People Are Scheming to Kidnap Santa Claus After Dr. Fauci Says He Has 'Innate Immunity' to COVID-19

Santa, who is as real as you or me, has been confirmed by Dr. Fauci to boast "innate immunity." Naturally, this means we must kidnap him and take his blood.


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Dr. Anthony Fauci has issued a message of calm for anyone worried that Santa Claus, who is indeed a very real person, could potentially be spreading something more than mere cheer this holiday season.

Speaking with USA Today last week, Dr. Fauci assured everyone that Mr. Claus is "exempt" from pandemic concerns.

"Santa is exempt from this because Santa, of all the good qualities, has a lot of good innate immunity," Dr. Fauci said, adding that—despite Mr. Claus' presumed status of being high-risk due to factors like age and weight—he's "not going to be spreading any infections to anybody."

While surely a comforting assessment to receive from someone with such a caliber as Fauci, many were quick to allow their responses to this "innate immunity" claim to fully blossom into outright plotting and scheming and whatnot. As always, we have assembled a selection of such commentary with the utmost care and attention, as seen below:

In all seriousness, there's certainly a top-tier movie idea in there somewhere and—as already mentioned by a number of other studious Santa ponderers—any resulting film absolutely must star Nicolas Cage.

As for us regular non-magical folk, the pandemic remains a deeply troubling source of concern. The numbers are looking particularly treacherous as we delve deeper into the holiday season. Stupid fucking idiots, meanwhile, are out en masse ensuring things go as horribly wrong as possible before year's end.

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