Man Learns the Hard Way That His Friends Don’t Also Use a ‘Poop Knife'

You know, a fecal cleavar.


Image via Getty/Peter Dazeley


Everybody poops. But not everyone uses the same tools to carry out that biological necessity. One Reddit user recently discovered that a tool he's been using his whole life was not, in fact, a staple in bathrooms around the world.

Cue the “poop knife,” a mechanism used by @LearnedButt’s family to break up their apparently gargantuan shits. “My family poops big,” he wrote in a post. “ If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.” What imagery.

The user went on to explain via Reddit how his family has used an old kitchen knife for decades to slice up their fecal matter. The knife hung on a nail in their laundry room, constantly waiting for its next big task. “It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out ‘hey, can you get me the poop knife?'” he explains. “I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.”

Somehow @LearnedButt glided through 22 years of life without ever learning that a rusty knife used for chopping up shits was not as common as a microwave. While at a friend’s house taking a giant dump, he called out for his pal to bring him a poop knife. His friend was understandably puzzled. “Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it,” he wrote.

Of course, his friend didn’t have a fecal cleaver, and as his comrades broke out in laughter, @LearnedButt realized that a dung divider was something unique to his household. Apparently, this issue really never came up, because even his wife was surprised by the story. She had been using the poop knife for other tasks. “It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife," he wrote. “Thankfully, she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.” Yes, thank god.

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