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You can probably count on one hand the number of good things that have happened this year. The Emoji Movie, for example, never escaped the single-digit trenches of shittiness on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, Lil Uzi Vert finally released Luv Is Rage 2. These are good things. Following the abysmal results of the 2016 election, however, similarly good things have grown increasingly hard to find.
As we've known for months now, society is currently in the throes of a Hennessy shortage.
A new report from the Root's Damon Young connects this shortage with the absence of fucks left to give following the alleged election of a neo-Nazi sympathizer. Lauren Holland, an investment analyst known for studying Hennessy trends, said she initially thought the increase in consumption may have been a sign of a younger demographic's discretionary income boost. "But then I soon realized that the post-election timing was the real storyteller," Holland said. "It meant that we were completely out of fucks, and that the last of said fucks have been spent on Henny."
Hennessy owners LVMH Moët Hennessy Louis Vuitton (LVMH) warned investors back in April that cognac stocks may be "impacted for the rest of the year" following record revenues in the first quarter. The first quarter results showed a 21 percent increase in Hennessy volume, with a 13 percent increase for wines and spirits in general. Confusingly, LVMH CEO Bernard Arnault met with Trump to talk about presumably unimportant things back in January.
A recent JAMA Psychiatry study excerpted by Forbes this month found that Americans are downing more alcohol than ever. High-risk drinking, defined as four or more drinks for women and five or more for men at least once a week, jumped 30 percent between 2001/2002 and 2012/2013.
Arguably, society was simply busy preparing for 2017. And here we are, dealing with a Hennessy shortage.