The price of gold is consistently in a state of flux, so obtaining bars of the stuff seems like a perfectly smart investment strategy. Pirates, Scrooge McDuck, and even that evil blonde dude from the Zorro reboot, have all made their fortune from gold. Nowadays, having a vault dedicated to the stuff seems pretty outlandish - but no matter how old-fashioned it looks, it's still a move people end up making. While there's hardly anything romantic about getting minted gold legally, stealing it is a very dangerous, dumb, and illegal thing to do. We really don't condone anyone planning an Italian Job-esque heist, no matter how badass it looks in the movies. Alas, here we are in 2017 and one genius didn't get the memo. Remember how we were talking about how much we don't condone stealing gold? Well, one thing we really don't condone is shoving gold bars up your ass.
Lester Lawrence, a 35-year-old Canadian Mint employee, has been charged this week for smuggling gold out of his workplace. Because this is Canada, the stolen material was in the form of "pucks" and worth upwards of $190,000. Between 2008 and 2015, Lawrence carried out 22 of the gold pucks, which he hid securely in his own rectum. The gutsy ploy was done so that his butt treasure would avoid metal detectors throughout the Canadian Mint. After safely returning home with the loot, Lawrence began to embezzle his funds. Among other things, one of his notable purchases was buying a new property in Jamaica. This spending eventually ended after Lawrence cashed in large checks from the Ottawa Gold Buyers, which were promptly red-flagged by suspicious bank tellers. He was then put under surveillance by police, who searched his locker and found Vaseline and blue gloves: the tools of a butt smuggler, no doubt.
According to CBC News, Lawrence has been ordered to pay back $130,000 and has been charged with 5 offenses. Despite the crime, officials from the Canadian Mint tell press that the building has top-notch security. "The mint is one of the most secure facilities in Canada and we are confident that we have the right security measures in place to effectively operate our business." But really, how could anyone account for criminal masterminds like Lester Lawrence?