The art of procuring a top-shelf dildo collection can get pricey. Just ask Gwyneth Paltrow and that budget-smashing (but admittedly dope) $15,000 gold dildo. However, thanks to sheer happenstance, lucky Moscow residents were gifted with the chance to potentially score some free dildos recently when a box full of the miracle devices spilled onto Tsvetnoy Boulevard.
"I was there for the aftermath," one witness told RT, an aftermath that apparently consisted of people refusing to help the driver tasked with transporting the assortment of dildos to their mysterious destination. Instead, witnesses did what any modern human would do: they watched in disbelief before ultimately deciding not to score a free dildo.
As May is National Masturbation Month here in the United States, we can't help but ponder all the potential uses for those spilled dildos. What is one to do when life gifts them with a big box of dildos in the middle of traffic? For an expert's opinion, we reached out to sexologist Dr. Carlen Costa.
"If you come across a big box of dildos, and it isn't from the local dicsticle stand, think, well —if it isn't raining men, at least it's raining dicks," Dr. Carlen told Complex. "Dildos are the gift that keep on giving, even when he can't."
Aside from the most renown duties of any given dildo, they can also be used to perform a wide variety of tasks relating to a slightly different type of pleasure: political protest.
New Zealand politician Steven Joyce took a dildo to the face during a press conference in February, with the protestor attributing the dildo-assisted act of protest to a recent trade agreement. Though hurdling a single dildo at a politician's face is certainly admirable, this one's even better:
America also gifted the so-called Oregon militia with many, many (so many!) dildos in January, much to their chagrin. "It's a bag of dicks," militia member Jon Ritzheimer said in a bizarre video showing off the group's hate mail.
Happy National Masturbation Month!