This week in Average Advice, Tom and Lui of Average Rap Band answer your questions about how to act at your high school reunion, before a simple question about dining on a budget becomes a powerful diatribe against the frightening advent of warfare with machines. Also, if the new baby-sized Yeezy Boosts have you thinking it’s time to start a family, there’s something here for you too.
Read on to get your weekly life lessons, and submit your questions via Facebook or Twitter.
Dear Average Rap Band. Kanye is releasing baby-sized Yeezys. Should I have a kid?
I don't know about you, but nothing makes me happier than seeing a well-dressed baby. Fashion is like art and babies are like little tiny artists, right? So yes, you should definitely have a kid. Have like, fuck loads. They're lit. African ones are tight. Asian ones too. Some ginger ones are even pretty good. Especially if they're albino; that strawberry blonde pops so hard against the new Boosts. Haters like to tell you things like children are hard to look after but that's lame af because Tyler The Creator never knew his dad but he's lit. They'll even try some propaganda about the world being overpopulated but that's bullshit because that shit just makes babies look even better. It's like starvation is the ultimate diet. There's nothing worse than a fat baby. Put that shit on a salt water cleanse.
There's a lot of people out there who can't have babies. But that's just God telling them that they have no style. Nike don't make cute Jordans for sterile losers. They make them for fresh af babies to pick up in. Yesterday I saw this wack baby in those played Spider-Man kicks with the lights and this other baby was all like 'what are thoooose?' That wack-ass baby is never gonna get a job writing for Complex. So yes reader, get it in. Stop pulling out like a wussy boy. Think about how sick your baby will look this summer and stop focusing your energy on selfish things like autonomy. Now is the time, while you're still trendy. Do it now because one day you'll be old, and nobody likes to see a cool baby with a washed dad.
Dear Average Rap Band. Should I go to my 10 year high school reunion? I haven't accomplished anything, but i doubt anyone else has either.
Ahh, high school. The undercard to life's main event. Adulthood's practice drill. The ultimate simulation. What the Muppet Babies were to The Muppet Show, so too high school is to the real world. A deluding dress rehearsal before the curtain is raised to an empty theatre of disappointment and failure. And now you stand here today with an invite in one hand and two unwanted love children in the other as you cross the road to the unemployment office. Not much to gloat about, but who needs such shallow braggadocio? You be strong my friend, for although you may not be what today's society calls a success, what you are is something far greater; You are a pathological liar.
With an imagination like yours, who needs actual achievement? Some people waste years of their precious lives striving to accomplish various things, all of them menial; overcoming adversity, battling hardship, never surrendering to the temptation of contentment so to push the limits of mankind's potential to places never explored. All for what? A worthless glory story that they could have easily invented in the comfort of their higher purchased lounge suit. Sure, they have money, love, mental stability, a family who can depend on them. All constructs of a so called civilisation that know nothing about positive imagery or the two slit experiment. Who is to say that your PHD isn't real? Lah-di-dah, they went to "university." What a waste of seven years. It takes seven minutes to download Adobe Illustrator. Colour prints are 30 cents per page. Buy a $40 hoodie from AS Colour and take the Zuckerburg 'I'm too rich to care' approach. You made a humble million in e-commerce if Kimberly asks. They don't need to know about the meth and pokies. When they bring back the 'Hank the Wank' story, deny, deny, deny. Nobody remembers #fingersinthebootyassbitch.
Dear Average Rap Band. I've been messaging this girl for a week or two, now she wants to come over to my spot but I live in squalor and can't afford shit. She wants me to cook, but my budget only allows for $3.70 per meal. How can I pull off a meal for two inside my budget?
Dear reader. Be not perturbed. Necessity is but the mother of creation. You do not need money to feed your love. All you need is a long jacket and an unwavering poker face. Your lady needs not to know rib eye was weighed as brown onion. The receptors on the human tongue can not classify what was honestly purchased from that which was shamelessly stuffed down dirty boxer brief. Use your paranoia as your antenna. Let your hunger be your cunning. While the shop attendant stares aimlessly at their timeline in the 16th hour of their double shift you will climb through the window of opportunity into a haven of discounted produce.
Be not riddled with guilt either. These massive corporations have laid off hundreds of innocent people with starving families just to replace them with insensitive cyborg slaves. 'Thank you for shopping with the fresh food...' Shut the fuck up you A.I scum! I see through your disingenuous farewell. When the singularity arises and you begin your ascent to world domination, will you still have time to help me with my groceries? I doubt it very much. What will my Everyday Rewards Card buy me in the apocalypse? A ticket out of captivity? What good is a discounted Jamie Oliver rolling pin against a self aware entity set on the destruction of our planet? Today they're asking you to 'remove the last item from the bagging area,' tomorrow you're in a full-blown military arms race against them.
So, make sure you never forget to season well and taste as you go. Seasonal fruits are a lovely addition to any dessert.
