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Satanists have had it up to here with all this Ted Cruz-related blasphemy. As astute minds will recall, former Speaker of the House John Boehner took the opportunity during a recent talk at Stanford University to theorize that Cruz is, in fact, "Lucifer in the flesh." Just for journalism's sake, here's the rest of that quote via the Stanford Daily:
"I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life."
If you're scratching your head thinking "Wow, didn't know Lucifer was a miserable son of a bitch," then you're not alone. Patheos' Hemant Mehta reached out to the Satanic Temple for their thoughts on this troubling Cruz comparison, and the resulting answer is (of course) quite a treasure.
"Boehner's comment is illustrative of how well past time it is to adjust our mythologies to reflect our realities," Satanic Temple spokesperson Lucien Greaves said. "Cruz's failures of reason, compassion, decency, and humanity are products of his Christian pandering, if not an actual Christian faith. It grows tedious when pedophile priests and loathsome politicians are conveniently dismissed as Satanic, even as they spew biblical verse and prostrate themselves before the cross, recruiting the Christian faithful."
Just so we're all very clear, Greaves closed the statement with this slice of delicious finality about any future GOP involvement: "Satanists will have nothing to do with any of them." Cruz, according to the Los Angeles Times, did eventually respond to Boehner's comments in a typically disappointing manner. "I've never worked with John Boehner," Cruz said during a campaign event in Indiana. "He's never worked with me."