4 quick tricks to start an interesting conversation

Image via Complex Original

Using a technique Joel Lewenstein has coined the "metal detector approach," you can start off with small talk then dig deeper once something interesting comes up. 

"The best way I've found to scan through topics is just to ask a bunch of questions: What do you do for a living? How was work today? What'd you do last weekend?" they explained. "A treasure trove for this kind of question is the news."

But you shouldn't stay on the surface for long, they said. "Do they have a boring job? Skip it. They haven't seen any movies? Move on. What did they do last weekend? They tried surfing for the first time?! Now you're onto something."

Once something exciting comes up, you can ask all kinds of questions about it to start a thought-provoking conversation. 

Common interests are boring, said Pete Zbrojkiewicz. It's more interesting to feel similarly—and you and another person can feel similarly about very different things. 

For example, they said, a doctor and an architect may not care about each other's professions, but they may have a similar feeling of accomplishment once they see the fruits of their work materialize. 

In order to reach this common feeling, they recommended asking "what" questions like "What makes you feel that way?” and “What makes you think that way?”

Soon, two people who don't appear to have much in common can connect, they said. 

"Now they can geek out on that instead of churning through countless emotionless topics that they don’t connect on."

"The most interesting conversations aren't about news, or politics, or sports: they are about emotions," said Julian Reisinger.

Rather than simply analyzing current events or events in your own life, try to express feelings about them. 

For example, if someone tells you they had a great time horseback riding, don't just ask where they went; ask what made it great. 

Or, "when someone tells you 'I think about moving to Germany,' they don’t want you to suggest cities with low crime rates and good health care. They want to tell you about their inner fights and why they feel they have to go."

The only way to connect with someone is to express emotions, after all. 

When you disagree with someone, said India Drummond, it's tempting just to say, "That's bollocks. Here's the truth."

But reiterating what you believe is far less interesting than probing how they think. 

"Instead say, 'Interesting. What led you to think that?'" they suggested.

In general, anything that leads someone to tell you about themselves will probably make them like you more, they said. "If you can get people talking about themselves, something they probably like to do anyway, they'll think you're a good conversationalist."

It's tempting to engage in small talk when everyone else is doing it. But the fact that many people are doing something doesn't mean everyone likes it. 

Nobody really likes small talk, so why not try some of these tips out and move your cocktail party conversations beyond it?