Yes means yes: a 5-step guide to understanding consent

Get the facts straight for Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

Apr 27, 2016
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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

You can see rape culture almost everywhere in the U.S., from violent tweets towards female reporters to the national conversation about campus sexual assault. It’s a cultural setting in which women's objectification is normalized into everyday behaviors and attitudes to the point of perpetuating violence against women—especially sexual violence. 

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and an essential part of eradicating sexual assault is to educate people about what consent is and isn't. NTRSCTN spoke to Bianca Laureano, an award-winning sexologist and Latina activist. She created a lesson plan for young people of color and helped us conceptualize a simple, comprehensive guide to understanding consent. 

Laureano defines consent as “direct words, behaviors, [and] actions that show a voluntary agreement to engage with others.”

She added, “Someone who is consenting is comfortable and aware of their surroundings and options. They are not being coerced or manipulated and are not debilitated by drugs or alcohol.”

1. What is consent?

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Consent is an open and clear communication between all adult parties involved that whatever sexual act is taking place is something everyone is cool with.

This means the sex act was desired by all parties, and not coerced or forced. Consent is knowing through verbal communication that your partner(s) want the same thing you do.

2. When is it nonconsensual?

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You’ve heard the phrase “no means no,” but a more accurate phrase when it comes to consent is "yes means yes."

Besides the word itself, plenty of other things mean “no,” like “I don’t like that” or “I’m not sure.” Your partner could even be sending this message through simple body language, like hesitating, or turning away from a kiss. If they don't explicitly consent, you should consider it a "no."

So if you're unsure whether or not your partner is consenting, just ask. Don't be afraid to ask, "Is it okay if I do this?" or "Can I kiss you?" 

3. What if you don't get consent?

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Sure, it’s a bummer when you can’t have something you want. And yes, it sucks when you’re rejected. But you know what’s even worse? Taking away someone’s sense of security and violating their body.

Your desire for pleasure never trumps another person’s autonomy.

Understanding consent means you’ll have to deal with rejections sometimes. But like any good, functioning, human adult, you’ve got to remember that no one owes you anything. Having sex isn’t like trying to get into an upscale night club. You shouldn’t be trying to trick your way past a doorman so that you can have a good time.

4. Don't buy these bullsh*t reasons to skip consent

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Rape culture makes it so that some people make excuses for their sh*tty, sexist behavior. Here are some reasons people give to excuse sexual assault and rape, and why they're totally bogus:

"They were drinking"

In some states including New York, the law says that there is a "lack of consent" if someone is unable to communicate it clearly under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If someone's judgment seems even a little bit impaired, wait until you can acquire certain consent. 

"They came home with me"

Even if someone is in your bed and completely naked, if they decide they don't want to take things further, you have to respect that. If you don't, it's rape.

“We've had sex before” 

Even if you had sex an hour beforehand, no encounter means you get a free pass for future sex acts.

“We're in a serious relationship”

Even if you've been married for ten years, your partner has the right to refuse sex.

“They have sex with lots of people”

No matter a person’s sexual history, every person is entitled to say “no” at any time.

Just ask Amber Rose:

5. See consent in everyday life

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Consent is not something that only applies to sex; being vocal about your needs and wants should be part of everyday life.

When you want a refill of your drink, you ask for one—you don't just walk into the kitchen and fill it up yourself. If you don’t like tomatoes, you say “no tomatoes” when you're ordering a sandwich. Daily interactions are all based on consent, so if you're not sure how to approach sexual consent, pretend you're ordering a sandwich. Maybe you like tomatoes (anal) but you don’t like mayonnaise (rope play) or maybe you only want your bread lightly toasted (you are comfortable with oral, but not penetration). 

If you don't advocate for your needs, nobody else will. If you respect your partner as a human being, you should consider their needs and boundaries, too. You already know how consent works on a basic level—now you just have to communicate with your partner to make sure you're on the same page.

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